A Wooden Toilet Seat: The Story of an Endangered Species
Much like the mighty Black Rhino who roams the plains of the Serengeti or the mysterious snow leopard who leaps from rock to rock there are certain creatures who have unfortunately found themselves on a less-than-desirable list. Has the wooden toilet seat flushed its way to the bottom as well?
I cannot recall the last time I used or even spotted one of these rare birds. What happened? They used to enjoy basking in the warm glow of a pair of gracious hams only to now find themselves piling up in junkyards across America. Hell, do you ever remember having to gingerly hover over the seat and give a quick 'bun skim' to test the temperature of the seat? Not with that beautiful wood grain. NEVER.
Come to think of it quite the opposite of their evil twin, the rubber/neoprene toilet seat. Christ, do you remember those devilish contraptions? It was like lining the seat with fly paper. Imagine what Harry's tongue (Dumb & Dumber) looked like as it was yanked off the pole. I can guarantee that on more than one occasion that's what my ass cheeks looked like coming off of that horrendous seat. Like peeling two pieces of warm Kraft singles apart.
So why the drastic drop in our wooden thrones? I propose we throw that puppy onto the Endangered Species Act and bring its numbers back up. I want that euphoric feeling back. Like I'm shitting through a hole in a canoe while rushing down the mighty Mississippi. The skilled carpenter didn't labor through the intricacies of these majestic creatures only for their population to take a drastic plummet to '0'. Honor the craftsman's weathered hands by nuzzling your quivering gluts into that welcoming wooden masterpiece.
A movement has begun....will you not join me?!