"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

(Dusting Off a Classic) Jackpot!!!!

(Dusting Off a Classic) Jackpot!!!!

With the Powerball jackpot reaching 750 million clam-a-lam-a-ding-dongs, today sees our second dusting off of a classic. This post comes to you via the ripe old year of 2015 with some slight variances. Vintage bottle. Sip slowly and enjoy.

What I find amusing is that we all know with almost complete certainty that we do not hold the winning numbers in our hands, yet if we’re so certain, would any of us offer to let a friend or family member sign THEIR names on the back of our ticket? HELL NO. Could you imagine life after that disaster? Shit, I’d rather get struck by lightning AND attacked by a shark at the same time.

So….the lottery.  Never plan to win it, but my God it's fun just daydreaming about what we might do if we DID happen to win that elusive pot o' gold.  And isn’t that really why most of us allow ourselves to spare a few extra bucks on odds greater than 1 in the general population of America (today’s odds sit somewhere near 300 mil)? Oh, just the thought of being able to give the corporate 9-5 grind a humongous middle finger! Wouldn’t that alone be worth every bit of that $750 million, right down to the last shiny new penny?! I’ll let you in on a few of my ideas ranging from the heartless all the way to the downright absurd.

Now before I get into the absurd (how I’d spend my money), let’s lead with the heartless. I’m talking about your inevitable exit strategy from whatever soul squeezing job you’re currently slogging through. How could you leave without a flare for the dramatic? Personally, I’d head into the office around 10 AM to ensure the employee population is at its highest number. The more puppet strings I can cut the better. I make a beeline right for the fire alarm and give that little red handle the cleanest pull it’ll ever experience. I’m on a damn mission. It might look something like THIS, but without the actual fire simulation. Once everyone has successfully followed the proper protocol for exiting the building in the event of an emergency, they’ll congregate outside and think they’ve walked right into the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. You see, I’ve planned ahead, naturally. I rented road blocks and had the entire block surrounding my office roped off. What my former peers now stand before is a spectacle the likes of which have never been seen before, and likely will never be seen again. I’ve created a float made entirely of $100 bills, because I can afford it. Constructed atop the Clam Craft (I thought it was a clever float name all things considered), dead center, is a throne made of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. How fresh, you ask? Well, there’s a fucking oven next to the throne being operated by a guy I paid to look like the Swedish Chef. His only job is to put dough in that oven, pull the cookies out when they’re done, and place each cookie atop the ever-growing thrown I now rest on. As the confusion of bystanders builds I just continue to casually eat my throne piece by piece, making uncomfortable eye contact with as many individuals as possible. Once the tension has built to the point of insanity I snap my fingers, which prompts my baker to hand me a cool tall glass of 2%. I make damn certain that glass is finished, letting the moo juice spill down my chin. The moment I’ve had my fill I stand up and dismount from the Clam, prepared to address the masses. My message could not be more clear:

“Simple folk who are gathered here today, who are now witness to the greatest resignation carried out in the history of organized work, hear me well! Some of you may be wondering who I am, and even more of you pondering exactly what it is I am doing here! I care not, for you shall soon have the answers which you seek! As you can see, the vessel before you is smothered with money, to the tune of $1 million to be exact! Mere dog water compared to the remaining $464.5 million load I’m about to blow across all of your faces!”

My stalling technique is quite deliberate. Not only do I want the realization of my winning the lottery to slowly sink in, I happen to have my baker dousing the entire float in gasoline. Hearts. Will. Shatter.

Now that I have you utmost attention….LIGHT IT UP!”

In the blink of a tearful eye the Clam bursts into flames, simultaneously causing every last observing heart to burst. I’m forcing them all the watch one million buckeroos disintegrate into the atmosphere. Now, did they do anything to wrong me? For most of them that answer is no, but I said MOST, which doesn’t equate to zero, and that’s the WRONG ANSWER. Hell hath no fury ladies and gentlemen.

As the fire subsides, along with the hopes of any one of these bastards sneaking away with a few hundred bucks, I deliver my final message:

Liberty! Justice!”

Out of the sky two bald eagles gracefully descend and perch atop both my outstretched arms. At that moment I am a king. Trapped within the beak of Liberty is my letter of resignation; Justice is holding onto a treasure map which will lead whoever dare follows to another map, and another, and another, until the treasure hunter either plummets into a sea of hysteria, or lives out their days finding map after map leading to more maps which I’ve impudently placed across the entire globe. I seek out an HR rep from my company and my winged friends drop him/her the aforementioned documents. I lean in and whisper “Remember this day friend”, place my majestic raptors on my shoulders, turn and begin walking away. As I stroll everyone notices more and more people dressed in choral robes materializing out of every nook and cranny imaginable. For every step I take another body adds to the formation. After a few minutes the gospel choir starts singing Steam’s classic anthem Na Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey Goodbye, followed by a barrage of fireworks and a blimp toting a sign which reads “See ya later….alligators.”

So that’s one way I’d consider quitting my job; the other involves a barbershop quartet. Allow your imagination to run wild with that proposal. Let’s move onto how I might spend my money after the unemployment rampage….

Given that there’s $750 million reasons to purchase a lotto ticket, I just recently pooled a few bucks together to give the jackpot a go.  Why the hell not?! It’s two bucks, and it’s better than snagging an expired Nutrageous off the shelf on my way out the door.  Which brings us to the next question, coupled with my answer....What would YOU do with the winnings?  I don't want to hear about the standard choices, ie; pay of all of my debt, buy a lake house, buy a new car, save the world....you're putting me to sleep.  Get creative.  Everyone has SOMETHING off-the-wall they'd want to do, right?  'Well hey buddy, what would YOU do?'  I'm glad you asked!!  After I pull that last powerball I'm going to tell you.

I have two ideas I'd love to bring to fruition.

  1. A MOAT. Yes. I want a moat surrounding my home. And no, there would be no castle towering beyond my aquatic perimeter. I'd probably settle for a run-of-the-mill house. Four bed, four bath. Perhaps a two stall garage. Or maybe I go with a tethered down replica of the peach from James & the Giant Peach. Ya know, in case I need to cut 'er lose and escape. Nothing fancy. Just to throw off any potential intruders. Everyone wants to storm a castle. No one wants to trash a suburban matchbox straight out of The Truman Show let alone a giant piece of fruit. Also, no alligators and/or crocodiles. Surprised? Again, too cliche. I'm thinking I'd pack those waters with a hefty number of platypus. Imagine with me....who's attempting to cross my bridge? There's just too much nonsense going on all at once.

  2. A WOODEN PIRATE SHIP. It's always been my dream. To captain a pirate ship. Hell, I'd even consider cutting off a limb just below the knee to pop on a wooden peg. I'll shoulder the parrot, too. Yup, I'm going completely cliche here but this dream preceded the moat. Now here's the catch; I'd only sail the Great Lakes in my terrific vessel. How ridiculous, you say?! It's perfect. I'd wrangle up a dependable yet reckless crew of scalawags filling our sails with the winds of surprise. Who's ever pirated the Great Lakes? We'd catch everyone off guard. We'd make poor yacht owners walk our planks and then sink their sleek boats with the weight of our cannonballs! And about a month or so later, when we're finally caught (we're trapped and our options are limited) we'll spread word of a vast and incomprehensible mountain of treasure hidden somewhere among the shores of the great state of Michigan. People will look for years! And all they'll find will be a small collection of Monopoly game pieces.

Captain Swashbuckling Schmieder and his merry band of hooligans.  Whenever anyone casts their eyes on the horizon and catch a glimpse of our flag flying high in the sky their knees will buckle.  We're coming for you.  Yo ho ho and a bottle of rummmmmmmm....

PRAY I win the lottery.

Things I Do Not Care For; Nor Should You.

Things I Do Not Care For; Nor Should You.

Laughable Lyrics:  The Fifth Installment

Laughable Lyrics: The Fifth Installment