"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

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The Wonderfully Animated Top 10 Most Attractive Female Disney Characters.

The Wonderfully Animated Top 10 Most Attractive Female Disney Characters.

Let the debates begin!  We all grew up on the classics.  However what old Walt started way back in 1937 with Snow White was anything but family friendly entertainment.  He indubitably kicked off what's flirting with a century's worth of animated beauty contests.  Clear the runways folks.  Grab your scorecards.  Take my hand, jump on the magic carpet and allow me to show you a whole new world.  It gives me great pleasure to present to you my Top 10 Most Attractive Female Disney Characters!

10.  JESSICA RABBIT

That dress.  Those gloves.  Full lips, full hips.  HUGE....Beautiful....Eyes.  Arguably the hottest non-aquatic redhead to ever grace the cartoon world.  But let's be honest....she was a slut.  And for that she finds herself in the 10 spot.  You're screwing a rabbit.  Roger.  Poor wack-job took too many smacks to the head with a mallet.  He must have had quite a pair of eggs hiding in that Easter basket.  Either way, Jessica's body left very little to the imagination, even for 1988.  I'd take on an acid-blasting fire house (a la Christopher Lloyd as Judge Doom) just to get a peek under that sparkling dress.  Let's hear it for Mrs. Rabbit.

9.  CINDERELLA

Call me old-fashioned but there's something to be said about a woman who still knows her place....on her hand and knees scrubbing the floor.  HAHA.  Sorry, ladies.  Couldn't help myself.  On a serious note, a classic Disney bombshell blonde.  Find me a lady who can coerce wild animals to do her bidding through the majesty of song and I'm toast.  The woman's got resolve.  Quite a bit of restraint as well considering she never once goes off the handle and tells her two evil step-sisters they resemble a pair of koala bears that have been run through a car wash.  In the end the slipper fits and she takes a ride in a magical pumpkin carriage, straight into our hearts.

8.  SLEEPING BEAUTY

A gorgeous blonde?  Lying on a bed unconscious in the middle of the woods?  And all you have to do to seal her love is lay a big ol' kiss on her lips?!  Seems too good to be true.  Seems like Chris Hanson might be lurking in the bushes waiting for the right moment to pop out and ask you a few questions.  Vulnerability lands this narcoleptic princess firmly in our #8 slot.  

7.  MULAN

I cannot be the only one with an Asian fetish.  Because of this fact we find our unstoppable Oriental mistress slicing her way to #7.  It's the sword.  It's sexy.  Yes, she's beautiful but I'd be rather content chucking fruit up in the air and watching her cut it into 16 different pieces before it hit the ground.  Not only would our appetizer spreads be the talk of the dinner party but I'd have one hell of a bodyguard.  Honor, discipline and just enough edge to toss me around in the sack like a rag doll.  Me love her long time.

6.  URSULA

HA!  Come on now.  You didn't think I'd make this countdown TOO serious, did you?  Still, we had to sneak a villain in here somewhere.  Hence, the treacherous queen of the sea.  Speaking of queens, the incredible band led by late front man Freddie Mercury said it best, 'Fat-bottom girls you make the rockin' world go round.'  Ursula is no exception.  She's the definition of evil.  Let's not forget her transformed human counterpart who could have made quite a run at our top 10.  Double trouble.  Let us also address her diabolical advantage which sets her apart from the other women of the countdown.  The tentacles.  BINGO.  Ready for a mathematical equation?  Take Ursula's two arms, add her six tentacles and you get the only woman I'd willingly take a hand-job from.  Could you imagine?  I want to be....part of her world.  Say hola to numero seis.

5.  POCAHONTAS

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon?  Nope.  Or ask the grinning bobcat why he grins?  Never.  How high does the Sycamore grow?  I'm not sure but if she stuck her hands down my trousers she could find out.  Not only does she sing one of the more memorable songs in the Disney arsenal she looks damn good doing it while clad in that skimpy deerskin dress.  Constantly teaching us life lessons on top of it all?  Now we know why Columbus settled in America.  This year I'm thankful for our number 5 spot and maybe next year I'll get to stuff her cornucopia.  

4.  ELSA AND ANNA

We had our only villain fill in at #6.  Say hello to our first and only twosome!  There is NO WAY I'm not taking both of them on at once.  Ice Queen & rebel without a cause?  Sign me up.  Hell, I'd even toss Olaf into the mix to even the playing field.  This one's a curious circumstance, though.  Light on the sexual side.  Instead I'm taking a hard angle at the whole 'making snow at will' power.  I love snow!  Unlimited snowball fights.  Igloos the size of mountains.  Endless possibilities.  Shit, I'd even call up the Jamaican bobsled team to rip a few runs.  Leotards and all.  Can't forget why they're part of this countdown in the first place, though.  Hot sisters.  Fire and Ice.  They can have their way with me while I playfully scream 'Let it go!  Let it go!  Can't hold it back anymore!'  (low-brow orgasm joke).   I'd let the storm rage on.  Two girls never bothered me anyway.

3.  ARIEL

Our flourishing flipper-toting redhead starts off our top 3.  Gorgeous.  Stick a trident in me, I'm done.  Plus, you get her on dry land and there's no way she's running away from you!  What a fighter.  When she's not busy singing catchy tunes with her Jamaican crab sidekick Sebastian she's beached up on a rock, waves crashing all around, begging to be part of my world.  And oh, would I let her.  Her father scares me, though.  Kinda looks like Wilfred Brimley BEFORE diabetes got a hold of him.  But if I can persuade her to dry land then we have hakuna matata....sorry, wrong flick.  But it does mean no worries for the rest of your life.  Either way, Ariel confirms for us why we all have a soft spot for redheads.  And if we're lucky then the conch shells match the starfish.  

2.  JASMINE

Ah....THE Princess.  I'd be venturing into her Cave of Wonders faster than Abu could steal a crate of apples.  Amidst a sea of genies, 'street rats' and evil parrots she manages to keep her head on straight.  This cartoon tiger tamer reels us in with her eyes.  Incredible.  Before I press on you must know how much effort I'm putting into dodging the laundry list of innuendo references from this movie....screw it.  Bear with the rapid fire:  I'd show her a whole new world while riding that magic carpet....She could rub my lamp for three wishes....Eh, I'll drop it.  Not enough gas in that tank.  Snag this desert damsel and you've just signed up for a pet tiger, too.  Now I'm no Siegfried OR Roy but we aren't talking about a white tiger, either.  Anyone else love the baggy pants?  I'm almost certain this movie kept Zumba pants going.  Good for them.  Alrighty, in conclusion Jasmine soars to new heights with our illustrious #2 ranking.  She gave us two wishes.  If only she knew three would have gotten her to the top....

1.  BELLE

BABE.  The combination has to be Disney's greatest accomplishment.  She carries just enough of that nerdy vibe, a compassionate attitude and enough commonsense to stiff-arm a tool like Gaston.  The guy had a ponytail for Christ sake.  Shit, now that I recollect all that movie had to offer why in the hell hasn't there been a professional wrestler who's name himself Gaston?  Talk about perfect transition.  Apologies, enough about that dong-juggler.  I'm trying to tell you a tale as old as time (ANOTHER winner of a song).  Which we might have the best supporting cast on our hands as well.  Ms. Pots?  Chip?  Cogsworth and Lumiere.  Top that.  I'm not sure it's possible.

Alas, we're at the top of our animated mountain for 'the Belle of the ball'.  We're giving her the leg up on everything.  Best singer.  Stunning looks.  Brunette beats out the blondes, the redheads and the octopus.  The original bachelorette....who wouldn't want to be HER guest?

There you have it, folks.  A little sick.  Maybe has you asking a few questions or maybe has you worked into a frenzy for argument.  Whatever the case may be just be thankful I didn't throw Quasimodo up there.

Runner up honors as follows:  Rapunzel, Alice, Snow White and Maid Marian


Life Rule #589.  Step Aside, Buttercup.

Life Rule #589. Step Aside, Buttercup.

Van, Delta, Daft and America

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