"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

Life Rule #771 (Part Two of Series Regarding Car Accessories)

Life Rule #771 (Part Two of Series Regarding Car Accessories)

Welcome to the 2nd installment of my Life Rule regarding car accessories.  If you recall correctly, in our first episode, we discussed the automotive tramp stamp known as the personalized license plate.  Today we will be focusing our attention on the other eyesore of the transportation world.  The bumper sticker.

Great timing, because the picture you see above you was taken by yours truly last week at a local golf course.  The stick figure phenomenon is so far out of reach of ridiculous....I believe Catholic priests have more favorable reviews at this point.  At their very origin, they were one's chance to tell us how many members made up the family.  Amazing.  I physically do not have enough shits to give you for your wife, three kids and two dogs.  Why, in any way, shape or form, would you think strangers need to know the size and make of your family?  Zero human beings care about these facts.  They've got their own shit to worry about, like how bad your driving is....

And now we have variations such as the one above.  Ohhhh, terrifically clever you douche weasel!  You're a Tyrannosaurus Rex eating the stick family!  Well now you're worse.  YOU made it worse.  You unimaginative, extremely unfunny attention-craving whore.  By slapping that pile of pubic hair onto your rear windshield to make a statement about how stupid the stick figure stickers are you've gone and made yourself look like Richard Simmons jazzercising his way through a buffet line.

I think we've damn near reached epidemic proportions with all the different versions one can see on the road.  I've seen a zombie theme, a chainsaw theme, ninjas, and the sad list carries on.

One of these days I'm going to follow one of these cars.  I'm going to follow them right to their parking spot in the employee lot @ Walmart.  Once there I'm going to cut their brake lines and wait.  I'll wait until their shift is over and then I'll follow them again.  When the inevitable accident occurs I'm going to casually stroll up to their vehicle, hope they're alive and make them watch me scrape their stick figure off the back of the window with a knife.  One down....who knows how many more to go?  We have to start somewhere.

Alright, let's work our way down the taxonomic hierarchy of 'car art' to the next genus:  Baby on Board.  Again, nary a soul cares.  Keep it to yourself.  No one drives at a more careful and acceptable clip for you and your kid once they see the big yellow sign you're toting.  Oh, oh!  I better not honk!  Don't wanna wake the baby!  I hope your kid shit himself and your car smells like the dumpster of a Denny's on a 90 degree heater of a day.  Gag on that smell and then gag on that sign.  

Next, the phylum in our domain:  The 'honor roll' student.  Holy Heaven on Earth.  Slap my sandbag and listen to me shriek!  Kinda hard NOT to be an honor roll student when all that's expected of your kid throughout the day is to find a way to open their milk and tie the occasional shoe.  I'd wager a bet that the majority of ass-clowns who put those messages on their cars have kids no older than 10.  Plaster a sticker of accomplishment up there when your kid cures cancer or walks on the moon.  If neither has been achieved then your window should be blank, like your kid's stare after her high school counselor tells her she has no chance of getting into an Ivy League school.  Fear not!  For there are plenty of unnecessary rebuttals to these stickers as well!  'My kid beat up your honor roll student.'  Which is a great message to send regarding bullying and being a miniature asshole.  'My dog is smarter than your honor roll student.'  Well now you're just talking crazy.  Unless you own Shadow from Homeward Bound (who I'm 100% certain is now dead) you don't have that smart of a dog.  You just don't.  Phenomenal movie, though.

Under no circumstances will we brave the waters of the political or religious realm.  Those people are on an unreachable level of halfwit.  I WILL, however, comment on the COEXIST sticker owners....Take your stash of granola, your dreadlocks and your hacky sacks.  Drive your Toyota Prius out into the middle of nowhere and leave everyone alone.  Your sticker isn't changing the world you lazy ass.

In conclusion, I've seen ONE bumper sticker in my life that's taught me plenty and left me chuckling to this day.  So I leave you with these words of wisdom which were bestowed upon me years ago....


Start munchin'....



PB & J....Ham n' Eggs....The Next Glorious Duo.

PB & J....Ham n' Eggs....The Next Glorious Duo.

An Atlas to Follow