"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

The Most Important Mascot of the Day (Part 1).

The Most Important Mascot of the Day (Part 1).

Here we go kiddies.  Another Top 10 list for your curiosity.  Breakfast style.  Sure, I could go the easy route and rip off the best cereals on the market but why not focus on the goofy sons a bitches whispering to us from the boxes?  Pick meeee!  So often we forget about the cereal mascot.  The best salesmen General Mills, Kellogg's and Post has to offer.  Not on this day!  Today we recognize the foot soldiers of the food community.  Grab your spoons.  Ready your milk.  Here we go....

10.  Sunny:  Raisin Bran

Not too creative, this one.  I mean....it's the sun.  A powerful star, indeed.  But in the realm of cereal characters Kellogg's probably fired an employee over this not-so-bright idea.  He's the Pontiac Aztek of mascots.  And the guy holsters two giant scoops of raisins.  Come on.  He should be holding two scoops of sugar because it's an accurate measurement of how much I usually pour onto my Raisin Bran to keep it bearable.  Keep us warm and cozy in the 10 spot, Sunny.


9.  Trix Rabbit:  Trix

What a sales pitch.  Might be our best rep on the list.  Whether or not it's a gimmick this twitchy bastard is always getting caught trying to get his hands on the beloved cereal he represents.  It's his only motivation in life.  He needs the cereal.  He wants the cereal.  And because of that hellbent devotion he places haste in my taste buds to run out and stock my pantry full of Trix.  Perhaps a downfall as well.  He's blinded by greed.  Enough so that he literally TRICKS kids into ponying up their own cereal.  It begs the question, how far IS he willing to go?  I can't have such a loose cannon running rampant on our list.  We'll lock him down with number 9 and keep a watchful eye.  Remember wack job, Trix are for kids.


8.  Snap Crackle & Pop:  Rice Krispies

Degenerates.  I don't know about you but I can see right through the act.  I want to dig into their past a bit.  I can almost guarantee that these clowns were once Keebler elves yet they were doing such a shit job of baking cookies that they got the boot.  The three amigos wound up on the street peddling rejected recipes and somehow landed a hit with this garbage concoction.  Well sprinkle me in powdered sugar and call me a doughnut.  Kellog was either a genius or one hell a psychic because Rice Krispy Treats are simply mouthwatering.  It's the damnedest thing!  Such a bush league cereal that rakes it in all because it's used to make one of our favorite desserts.  I hate their goofy outfits and their irrelevant names.  Has anyone ever heard a bowl of this cereal snap, crackle or pop?  No.  As a matter of fact, if you lean in close you can hear all the rice screaming 'Thank you!'.  Thank you for drowning us and freeing us from the misery that is Rice Krispies.  You three stay in slot 8 and zip your outlandish lids.

7.  Toucan Sam:  Fruit Loops

The bird's got a British accent which means he's not American which means we can't completely trust him, can we now?  You can't tell me I'd enjoy washing down your sugary snacks with a cup of tea Toucan.  I will devour the Loops with milk, though, because they are pretty damn good.  Probably my top selection out of the fruit class of cereals.  Sam plays the polite card which works for him.  Always quick with a compliment and a reassuring word.  Fine.  I'll bite, sir.  He may not be an American but fruit starts with the letter 'F' and so does FREEDOM.  Enjoy some fish n' chips and a spot at number seven.  You've been knighted by the King of Breakfast.


6.  Cookie Crook, Chip the Dog and Officer Crumb:  Cookie Crisp

The names alone should testify to the radical nature of these cereal hooligans.  It's an epic tale of good vs. evil where we find ourselves rooting for the bad guys!  Poor Crook and Chip.  All they want is to get their grimy little hands on a box of cookies.  And who can blame them?!  It's a box of COOKIES!  And, oh, that battle cry!  Cooooooookie Crisp!  If you go outside on a clear night and hold an empty bowl to your ear you can hear the wail echoing off of your cochlea much like a conch shell to the sea.  To this day I'm still uncertain as to whether or not they were finally able to pull off the greatest heist in breakfast cereal history.  Forget the Untouchables and the Ocean's 11's of the world.  THIS was the job.  Get the cookies and get the hell out.  I'll hand it to Officer Crumb, though.  One tough badge he was.  Perhaps somewhere the war wages on.  And if it is, I pray to God those to sneaky burglars come away with the sweetness.  If not, know that you hold a sentimental spot at number six.

The 'Tuck'. A Masterpiece in Disguise.

John Mayall

John Mayall