Time....Suddenly your worst enemy. Minutes become seconds. It's a devastating race against the clock. The cart now well ahead of the horse. A man's worst nightmare? Or an opportunity to shine? Deep within the trenches of life. A trial by fire. A journey every boy must endure while clamoring his way up the path to manhood.
The unsuspected boner.
Devastating for some. For others? A victory fit for the history books.
Seek no recognition in this arena gentlemen for it is just the temptation you are fighting to avoid. Much like a bear trap nestled deep in a bed of pine needles it lies in waiting. Waiting in every college auditorium filled with hundreds of students. Waiting in every sales convention hall of every air-conditioned Hyatt in the state of Nevada. Waiting on every rickety school bus on every pothole-ridden road in America. Waiting for you to trigger pandemonium.
Normally a very welcome guest, the boner has a mischievous knack of 'popping up' in all the wrong places at all the wrong times. It is the cobra and we are the snake charmer. Slowly we coax it from the safe confines of its basket with our enchanting melodies. However, play one false note and the reptile strikes with lighting-quick precision.
Damn the smoking hot sales rep sitting across the isle from you. What, with her short skirt and blouse one button away from showing too much. Wham! Bam! BONER. To hell with the slender sorority chick in your economics class tossing her hair to and fro. The one you can't wait to hit on at tomorrow morning's kegs n' eggs tailgater. Give me a B! Give me an O! Give me an N! Give me an E! Give me an R! You just got a BONER.
Showtime. You either show the public what kind of trunk you're swinging or you put up and tuck up! You can do this. Breathe. You've been dreading this moment but dammit you've prepared for each and every variation! Let's access the possible situations:
Attire. KEY. Are you wearing your favorite pair of sweatpants? Easy. This tuck is almost too elementary. Hook thy thumb into thy waistband and with one swift tug outward simultaneously jerk backward and let your woody do the rest. Your dong will be slapping against your stomach faster than your professor can say 'Class dismissed.' And when they do, you'll have the confidence of a viking knowing that you've dodged a bullet. No one will be the wiser. The same maneuver will apply with mesh shorts or any other type of loose-fitting garment.
Let's crank it up a few notches. Dress pants. Wowsers. Can be a doozy. Relax. Panic is not in your vocabulary. Now we're dealing with a belt unless you're a goddamn animal. The margin for error is quite a bit slimmer. Unfortunately the aforementioned trick no longer applies. We need a diversion. I prefer the 'Oh shoot! My shirt tails appear to have gotten a smidge untucked so I best readjust and fix the unsightly error.' You must sell this move. Give the impression of being perplexed. Should come easy to you considering your end goal is to 'smoke n' mirrors' a boner away from prying eyes. Simply spend some extra time near the belt buckle region correcting the problem and before you know it you've abracadabra'ed that pesky erection. Much like pinning a tail on the donkey you've just pinned your boner to your bellybutton. Congratulations son. Now run up to the mom hosting the birthday party and claim your prize. You've earned it.
Make no mistake, good sirs. Each and every boner presents its own array of issues. You're a meteorologist attempting to predict the weather. For that I wish you the best of luck. You will need every ounce afforded to you. But you CAN overcome.
Ain't no mountain high enough. Ain't no valley low enough. Ain't no river wide enough. And there ain't no boner hard enough....to keep you from getting to glory.
'Rise' above gents!!!!