They're Always After Me #1 Spot: Top 5 Cereal Mascots.
5. Sonny the Cuckoo Bird: Cocoa Puffs
And we thought the Trix rabbit took his love for cereal to an unacceptable level. Sonny takes nut-job to....well....cuckoo extremes. This damn bird gets right to the point. He's bat-shit crazy for a box of tiny chocolaty orbs. For good reason. They're scrumptious.
Yet our winged friend has flaws. Take a look at the outfit. This character dresses up in a striped sweater complete with a bow tie. Annnnd no pants. He's the hipster of the cereal community. It's in the eyes as well. Take a deep hard look into those peepers. There always seems to be a slight maniacal twitch. If we rounded up every last cereal mascot and tossed them into a cage for a fight to the death I'm not so sure this loose cannon wouldn't rip everyone limb from limb just to get the crumbs out of a box of Cocoa Puffs. He earns the five hole for a good cereal. He also earns it because he terrifies me. Five letters....five spot....Puffs.
4. Count Chocula: Count Chocula
Speaking of terrifying. The Count. The bloodsucker lives in a castle where the lightning apparently never ceases. Where bats swarm and where kids have no choice but to cram Count Chocula down their throats. Wow. How wrong that sounds. Alas, I must drive home the point. Count is our only mascot who instills fear in order to get us to love his cereal. He's got two teeth, a butt chin and a nose that looks like a rolled up ball of Silly Putty. I don't know whether I should eat his cereal or smash his face against a newspaper and see how much of the ink transfers. Regardless of his villainous nature the Count gets the job done. And, oh yea, his cereal sends shivers down my taste buds. Take this sucker out of his coffin and plop him into the number four seat.
3. Wendell: Cinnamon Toast Crunch
This pudgy bastard's job is a cake-walk. He just might have the tastiest morning treat on our list. Yet even though his product sells itself Wendell converts us into loyal fans with his jolly demeanor. Who better to trust with making a quality edible product than a chef! He's got the hat, the glasses, the bushy white eyebrows and the apron. He's the Kris Kringle of the Kitchen! I betcha when he laughs his belly shakes like a box full of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
I want to watch Wendell make me a bowl of CTC from scratch. Just whisking his way around the kitchen cracking eggs, humming songs from days past and tossing around cinnamon in a thin haze of powdered sugar. Once finished he'll place the bowl before me and as I'm taking that crucial first bite I'll slowly look up with a single tear of joy rolling down my cheek and he'll softly nod his approval. It's at that moment that I'll realize I chose correctly by placing Wendell in the three spot. Bake on Wendell....Bake on.
2. Lucky the Leprechaun: Lucky Charms
Perhaps the biggest sympathy vote on our list. Sir Charms is anything BUT lucky. No matter where he turns or what magical powers he conjures up the kids seem to get the best of him and run off with his beloved cereal. Can't blame the kids for being hellbent on snatching up those Charms. After all, Lucky's been challenged with protecting one of the best cereals on the market. Maybe we should call these 'Fugitive Charms' instead. Poor little green guy is constantly on the run. Although we could fault him for creating such a magically delicious treat, couldn't we? You gave us magic marshmallows, Lucky. What the hell did you expect? For someone who does a pretty outstanding job of not being caught on St. Patrick's Day you do an awfully piss poor job of keeping that box of gold out of greedy little kids' hands. Regardless, you're a trooper who's earned our respectable #2 position. Keep running Lucky. We'll find you.
1. Horatio Magellan Crunch: Cap'n Crunch
He's the Captain of the ship. Our number one. And I'll be damned if he doesn't take the coveted top spot with authoritative measures. The Captain dominates the cereal landscape aboard a ship named the Guppy. He hails from a place appropriately named Crunch Island in the Sea of Milk. The island harbors a giant mountain made out of Cap'n Crunch called Mt. Crunchmore. Are you kidding me?! Can you now see why no one comes close to dethroning this rogue of the breakfast world? Granted, ripping through a bowl of Crunch is similar to eating a handful of steel wool. However we all sacrifice a slaughtered mouth for the sensually sweet taste of the Cap'n.
He doesn't have to sell us squat. He's a CAPTAIN. We just listen and do as he says. You don't abide by his rule and you walk the plank. God, I'd even listen to his mustache if that cookie-duster could talk. So here's to the Captain who swash-buckled his way right into our cereal bowls. Songs will be sung round the world in every port from here to the end of the cereal isle about the man with the 'C' atop his hat. Today that 'C ' stands for Champion. Congratulations Horatio. Sail on.