LIFE RULE #808 Gobble Gobble.
No, it's not Thanksgiving. We're not even close. But I send you this rule with enough time in hopes that someone out there can do us all a solid and conjure up some magic.
Curious? I'm talking about holiday songs. Specifically the lack of a melodious madrigal for our wonderfully feathered friend. Not a single tune. Thanksgiving gets squat. Unless of course you consider Adam Sandler's hit part of the minuscule collection....and we will. Outside of that we're literally left with a big goose egg. How can this be?!
Thanksgiving is quite possibly the greatest holiday of the calendar year! Mountains of food. Rivers of booze. Hang on tight! It's time to hop on a train for a trip to a disappointing Lions' game followed by a stop @ Naptown. Next we're off to another meal because I just did NOT get enough mashed potatoes. Uh oh....Our train's going in reverse?! Yes....yes it is. Because we're going back to Naptown. Our last stay wasn't quite long enough. Shortly after stay #2 we're off again. This time we're hopping off the tracks and going aquatic to the Sea of Beer. Don't bother bringing the oars. We're gonna want to get stranded in this body of liquid gold.
Yet after all that, year in and year out, not a single chart-topper can be mustered up? It's bullshit and I believe there's a culprit. I'm looking at you, Christmas. You greedy son of a bitch. Sure, your songs are absolutely adorable but I think I speak for everyone when I say tone it down a notch. You don't need 5 months worth of continuous play on the radio. You've smashed Halloween's pumpkins and you've gone right ahead and stuffed our poor turkey one too many times. Give the gobbler a break or how about this year you give him a sackful of songs? He's only ever been a good boy.
Shit. Songs were born with merry folk gathered around tables were they not? In all honesty I couldn't tell you for certain but to benefit this Life Rule I think we're safe calling that a fact.
We all love the rituals don't we? The whole family gathered at our Aunt and Uncle's house. There's a few of us meticulously slicing up the bird, some of us hammering down the potatoes, some of us throwing the green bean casserole into the oven. There's just something missing though, isn't there? And I'll tell you what's missing. The majesty of song.
How much better would these activities become if the entire clan had joined together in a thunderous tune fit for such an occasion as Thanksgiving!! My God. Even the turkey has a tear of joy rolling down his disgusting red wattle.
So I suppose our Life Rule has become a project. Sharpen your pencils children and get to work. Come November 26th I pray you have a healthy lineup of Thanksgiving jingles. Do it for the potatoes. Do it for the Detroit Lions. Do it for grandma's layered Jell-O dessert. But most of all....do it for that big beautiful bird. It's the least we can do before we devour him.
Gobble Gobble, bitches.