The Sea Was Angry That Day My Friends
Water Beds. You remember them. I sure as hell remember them. Even the great Poseidon remembers them.
None of us ever actually had one either, did we? It was always our friends with the 'cool parents' who we now realize were just monsters. Come on. A water bed?! What a cruel joke. There's no way you can wrestle a goodnight sleep out of one of those damn contraptions.
It was like laying on the deck of a capsizing ship smack dab in the middle of a squall. It was like sitting on the little girl (Violet Beauregard) from Willy Wonka as she got rolled out of the factory after filling up with blueberry juice. After watching that scene, come to think of it, her dad would be one of those sons a bitches who would buy his kid a water bed. Whistle for the Oompa Loompas and get him the hell outta here!
I can't believe the water bed ever made it into production. Just like I can't believe the Pontiac Aztek made it out alive. Probably the same inventor.
Was the whole concept of the water bed to give us an idea of what it was like to be chained up, lying against Jaba the Hut? If so....mission accomplished.
The bed allllways came equipped with the headboard with bookshelves, too, didn't it? And really the only necessary reading required to fill those shelves would be anything ranging from 'how to swim', 'what to do if you find yourself inside a manatee's stomach' to 'simple exercises to get rid of that nagging back pain'.
You were sleeping on the world's largest water balloon. Now, if you could ever have found a way to pick that thing up and chuck it, congratulations, for you just won the neighborhood water fight. Christ, you could've surfed your way out of your room if that thing ever popped.
And God forbid if you ever had a wet dream laying on one of those blobs. Shit, you'd wake up looking like a disheveled glazed donut fresh from the bakery.
Sad to say, my own hometown of Grand Rapids, MI used to push these disasters on people all the time. Check THIS nonsense out! Thank God it was so long ago and that the only hibernating anything is doing these days is the nightmare that is a waterbed.
Now I can't comment on what it must have been like to make love on one of these but I've got an image of two rednecks scrambling around on top of a covered above ground pool for some reason. Probably justified and has probably been attempted.
Folks, I think I now know where the phrase, 'stick a fork in it' came from. As soon as someone was asked to lay on one of these satanic beds they immediately got up and passionately pronounced....STICK A FORK IN IT.
Grab your utensils and your galoshes kids, time to go hunting.