"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

The Athlete's Nickname.  Forever Lost?

The Athlete's Nickname. Forever Lost?

Sports is a way of life here.  See ESPN....Anytime.  They've watered us down with ex-athletes and meaningless stats as only a 24/7 sports station can.  Even if we didn't want to know or hear about sports it's going to creep its way into our day at some point.  It's just going to pop out of a cornfield in a haunted house maze with a clown mask and chainsaw and scare the shit out of you.

These days it's usually in the form of some asshole from your lame office pool for Fantasy football.  You know, the guy who had nothing better to do with his weekend than to throw on his beat-up Randall Cunningham jersey and watch hour after mind-numbing hour of football.  Pouring over ever MORE worthless fantasy stats all while losing his voice yelling at players who would never give two peanutty shits about him.

Alas, inevitably he's going to bombard you with all the latest and greatest of the football action from the past weekend.

And just when fantasy (you know, NOT reality....as in FAKE) wasn't enough....we've been subjected to more sports gambling with Draft Kings and a host of other lame-named betting services.  I can, and will, dive into the nonsense of sports betting at a later date.

Right now I want to ask you all a very important question.  What in the hell ever happened to all the great professional athlete nicknames?

Good Lord did we have a treasure trove of creative names.  Where for art thou have our superlative name-generators gone??  Swept away with the sands of the mysterious Cave of Wonders could be my only guess.

Go on.  Think.  Reach back in time to the days of majesty.

Thunder Dan.  The Glove.  Shaq Diesel.  The Mailman.  Clyde the Glyde.  Primetime.  Vinny 'The Microwave' Johnson.  

The Sultan of Swat!  The Titan of Terror!  The Colossus of Clout!  The Sultan of Swat!  The King of Crash!  The Great Bambino!!  

The Big Hurt.  The Great One.  Golden Bear.  The Bus.  Grandma-ma.  The Minister of Defense.

I COULD go on.  But you don't need me to, do you?  Because as soon as you put all the pieces of the puzzle together your mind shames you back to the reality of today.

Today, where we've gotten so lazy that it seems almost every high profile star's nickname consists of his or her's own initials.

KG.  RG3.  CP3.  Gronk (short for his last name?  genius).  Superman?!  Oh, because he wore a cape during a dunk contest.  I suppose your kryptonite is creativity.

Meta World Peace and Ocho Cinco hardly count if I may say so.  Those two together have the ingenuity of a dog digging mayonnaise out of a jar.

We're lazy.  We're a damn lazy society and it's gotten so bad now that we can't even put forth a gentlemen's effort when it comes to the art of a nickname.

Some of it has to do with the fact the today's ESPN anchors are terrifyingly limited to how many sentences they can rip off during one highlight.  Shit.  Give them too much to digest and they'll just start talking about the good old days of being backups or, for most of those anchors, what kind of late nights they used to put in pouring over sports stats all in an effort to one day spew forth garbage from a Disney-owned bitchfest we all know as Sportscenter.

Instead of spending their time breaking down the top 25 teams of college football's 2033 season maybe they could muster up a sliver of mind power to come up with some worthwhile nicknames.

Somewhere out there Thunder Dan Majerle has lowered his head....weighted down with sadness and shame.  Someone please bring back the thunder.  We deserve it.


Albert King with Stevie Ray Vaughan In Session

Albert King with Stevie Ray Vaughan In Session

Young the Giant

Young the Giant