The Worldwide Leader of Nonsense
Enough already. 24 hour sports was a wild idea to begin with but like a two-term president on his 7th year it's about time to go.
In its heyday ESPN touted anchors such as Dan Patrick, Steve Van Pelt and from time to time Stuart Scott's good eye.
Sportscenter enjoyed a smattering of success on the concept of all sports all the time, top ten plays and classic sport matchups.
Now I get the feeling as though I'm watching a season of The Last Comic Standing.
Shut up. Please. Shut the fuck up. I understand it's hard enough pitching people to work and live in Bristol, CT but you can lure better talent with the promise of air time can't you? We're subjugated to a handful of washed up assholes from who-knows-where looking for their next hook line that'll get them remembered for all of sports anchor history.
Breaking news. I'm going to suffocate you with the cool side of the pillow.
Chris Berman. Another asshole. Here's a fantastic rant of his, acting like Peyton Manning acts @ Mile High when the home crowd's too loud. Berman's 'tagline' is the sound I'd make while hovering over the porcelain in a public restroom just in time to see the last quarter of my loaf hit the edge of the bowl and rocket to the cold unsanitary tile below.
Words of advice. The blonde fetish is now teetering on unhealthy. Unless of course your target market is now creepy middle-aged men who turn their attention from their World of Warcraft game back to the bimbo stuttering through a sports highlight she knows nothing about.
It's rather ironic when you think about it all. All sports, all the time. You've managed to keep ordinary folks from doing the exact things you churn through your machine around the clock; physical activity.
Don't misunderstand me. I LOVE my sports however I don't need to sit in front of the boob tube all day and disagree with a slightly mediocre ex-athlete as he highlights which team he thinks will win the Super Bowl two weeks into the fucking season.
You have to acknowledge that you didn't matter to your sport when we have to see your 'resume' up on the screen along with your name.
-'Played' four seasons with the Eagles
-Two-time NBA champ
-Three-time useless consumer product advertiser
Let's do that instead, shall we? Put a list of the relevant things you've actually done up on the screen. Blank....and meaningless....like your commentary.
And television just wasn't enough. ESPN took to the airwaves. I could tolerate Mike & Mike for a time. That was right up until every other word they uttered was something about a 'fresh take hotline'. So, guys, were we gonna talk sports at all this morning or were you just going to shamelessly cram ads about that sweaty meat down our gullets the entire segment?
Maybe the bigger picture is our obsession with the television. Instead of going outside to play catch with your kid or throw around the pigskin with your buddies you'd rather eyeball the latest fantasy updates brought to you from some low-life who will do anything for a paycheck after sports.
Here's all you need. Two hours a day. Recap all the sports updates you need before work and if ya missed that segment then catch the evening hour. The other 22 hours of the day can be classic sports match-ups or better yet should be black with a message that says, 'GET THE FUCK OFF YOUR ASS AND DO SOMETHING WITH YOURSELF.'
You're watered down ESPN. You're the person no one really wants around yet you manage to find your way to the party.
The other side of the pillow is no longer cool because someone is holding it firmly over your face.