Life Rule #440: The Hallmark Holiday
More overdone than 24 straight hours of The Christmas Story. Maybe this year we can all send a card and some flowers to that poor dead horse because we've beaten him long past his death. Or maybe we can rename the holiday 'St. Reminder's Day' because nothing quite says 'I love you' like a solid month and a half of arm-twisting, guilt-ridden messages/commercials resulting in your submission and a last-ditch effort at expressing those three words with a shitty card and some flowers (maaaaybe a box of chocolates if you're a real 'go-getter').
Allow me to take an experience from the classic movie Scrooge (the Bill Murray edition, of course) for a moment, add a holiday twist, and show you what your delivery looks like from the outside.
OPENING SCENE. Set in your kitchen on the eve of Valentine's Day. You're literally on the outside looking in. You're floating next to ME, the ghost of EVERY St. Valentine's Day Massacre past & present, outside your window:
You: 'Hey honey, I was reminded to tell you that I love you today but since I can't express this in my own words I've relied on some random 23 year old kid from Kansas City (yes, Hallmark is headquartered in KC) and his poor attempt at making you feel special. A kid who's most likely never been in love, who, to the best of my knowledge, has no idea what our relationship is like, who probably wears Dockers, a sweater vest, Chuck Taylors and fake reading glasses that he feels make him look hip. Oh, and if I were a betting man, I'd say he's into Maroon 5 as well.'
(Deep. A chill runs down your spine as a frigid winter wind whips across your face. Oh yes, my apologies, we're still in Scrooge mode. We just witnessed all of this transpire through the frosty window panes of your home....apparitions floating in a dark, lonely February night....helpless....hopeless, as we watch your significant other run out of the room in tears. How could you?!)
Your Significant Other (for effect): Weeping. Crying. Wailing. She's gone....
Annnnd WHOOSH!! Our clay-molding session is over and just like Patrick Swayzee, I've vanished (too soon??)....You've awoken in a cold sweat, realized the mistake you could potentially make, and vow to take the road less traveled.
Now, let's say I collect my belly button lint for a week and roll it into a ball. Then I clean the slimy residue under the drawers of a refrigerator (that's long overdue for a cleaning) with that same lint....(deep breath)....take this concoction and smash it between a piece of paper. Do you know what I'd have? Shit between a piece of paper. Do you know what we also call that masterpiece? A Hallmark card.
You want them to know you love them? Make them feel special? Pick a random day and call THAT Valentine's Day. Or better yet, get creative. Make up your own day. I'm no Hitch, but I'm guessing that a random, out of the blue surprise is going to melt your lover's heart more than what some half-assed, corporate cookie-cutter bullshit card could conjure up.
Come on gentlemen. We are all better than this, are we not?!
1-800-FLOWERS?? She'll be calling 911 if you pull that shit cause you're a dead man. It's time to take back the reigns of originality and sweep our ladies off of their feet! Leave the box of chocolates to Mr. Gump. His life might be like that box of goodies but yours is all about tickling your lover's heartstrings.
I'm boycotting Valentine's Day. And why shouldn't I? Is a single cent of my ridiculously priced V-Day card going out to the broken hearts of the world? Nope. It's going directly to those greedy bastards over in the heartland. You can't put a price on love and yet these lame-asses have managed to do so. So who in the hell do they think they are? I don't particularly care what they think but I'll tell you MY think. I think I'll make my wife MUCH happier when I tell her I love her each and every one of the 365 days out of the year. Not the ONE day Hallmark has decided to tell me that I should express my feelings.
Dear Hallmark, take one of your $4.99 cards and slit your wrists with the damn thing. And if that doesn't work please wolf down enough chocolate to give yourself diabetes. Not in the mood for options A or B? Well then I've got one of Cupid's arrows looking sharper than a circus throwing knife with your name on it. Stop on by.
Happy Expressing Your Love On Your Own Terms Day(s) everybody!!!!