The Party Guest Lineup
I love hosting get-together's, parties, shin-digs, BBQ's and if I'm feeling frisky....the occasional orgy.
No matter the occasion, with the right type of spread, beverage selection, and entertainment your day/evening/late night/early morning jamboree is just what the doctor ordered.
However with a congregation of the masses you run the gauntlet of your guests. So choose your company wisely but before you do, watch out for these circus clowns:
The Mooch. We've all got one or maybe if you're unlucky enough you've got a few leeches you can't seem to burn off. These stealers of souls shoulder a hefty set of stones.
Typically arriving from robbing the nearest trailer park convenient store this guest always disappoints. A side may consist of a battered bag of chips which almost never comes
equipped with a dipping partner. The worst I've encountered is a box of luke warm tacos from the one and only Fourth Meal (Taco Bell). It's usually something no one wants which is
convenient for the Mooch because they'll tackle that bag while they're washing down a cold one.
Which brings me to their beverage of choice. It's bad enough they rolled out a stale bag of off-brand tortilla chips they found in the back of their pantry but in their eyes no
party is complete without a NASCAR favorite. Expect Bud Light, Busch Light, Coors Light or maybe even some Rolling Rocks if it's payday. Sometimes I half expect these
jokers to pull up in a Delorean because they had to have gone back in time to when we were in high school and actually stomached that shit. Not only is the beverage choice of The Mooch heinous but they're actions manage to be even more diabolical. Sure, they brought some food and drink but keep a close eye on that sucker. He/she will be the guest plucking everyone else's craft brews out of the fridge one by one leaving the rest of you with their awful domestics. Bottom line: The Mooch sucks a hind tit.
The Stopwatch. Not necessarily a nuisance considering they're in and out of the party faster than you can whistle Dixie. The purpose/goal of The Stopwatch is to make their appearance known, whisk through the party, and get the hell out. Everyone will ask if the culprit was even at the party. If The Stopwatch is good at their craft, they'll have made it known to the host that they had in fact attended the party. A few quick hello's and they vanish. I suppose we could call them Casper, too. They're like the friendly ghost. Some swear they saw them, others aren't so sure. Either way, The Stopwatch is gone before you've broken the seal.
The Home Run. You could easily mistake The Home Run as the host of the party. You can rely on this friend to hit their welcome out of the park every single time. This is the friend who's been up since 5AM creating culinary masterpieces. Their spreads regularly put any catering business to shame. Expect a flatbed truck's worth of vegetables, some ridiculously elegant dessert and potentially a fruit platter with a centerpiece of a swan cut out of a Goddamn watermelon. And yes, they did the entire smorgasbord themselves. Of course everyone at the party is blown away but don't be fooled for you will find no jealousy from this bunch. If anything there's a faint smell of pity in the air. After all, who in the hell has that much time to dedicate to a party that they're not even hosting?!
The Buzzer Beater. These assholes. You will NEVER get an RSVP so don't hold your breath for one. These folks are always 'too busy' to lead normal lives, constantly running around as if standing still for a moment would kill anyone they love. I don't care what anyone says. NO ONE is ever that busy. Stop giving yourself shitty excuses to not enjoy life. Apologies for the side rant. In any event, these jesters will bust through your front door roughly an hour into the party. They'll vehemently apologize for being late but wait, there's more! Because they were in such a rush they didn't have any time to pick up the food & beverage requirements. Huh. Interesting, seeing as how you had time to drive your sorry ass to the party. Forget them, they're so 'busy' they'll be back out the door before your next beer.
So there you have it folks. Do we have more guest characters lurking in the shadows? Sure we do and we'll get to them later. For the time being you go enjoy your weekend kids! And if you happen to be hosting a party well then just watch out!