"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

Swing and a Miss.  The Game of Golf.

Swing and a Miss. The Game of Golf.

Oh the good old game of golf.  Similar to most men, I will admit that I enjoy partaking in a handful of rounds each and every year.  I usually just need to pull one amazing shot out of my ass to bring me back the following year.  Of course that word 'enjoy' is rather relative now, isn't it?  Relative to misery.  For reasons I'm only now starting to grasp we put ourselves through mental tortures when we step onto the course.  And for what exactly?  Again, I do enjoy getting in some golf if for no other reason than to be outside, enjoying the weather (hopefully), enjoying a few beers, and enjoying the company of a few buddies.  And yet those simple pleasures tend to take a backseat to the game's frustrations.  Frustrations we manage to put on ourselves.  

I began to realize that my time was, in a sense, being wasted.  Call it a revelation or just common sense smacking me across the face.  It all started as I was finding myself spending more and more time/money on the game.  Let's look at how ridiculous some of my choices were:

Upgrading Gear.  Not a complete waste of money.  Nowadays you can find a decent set of new clubs for a few hundred bucks and then those clubs with last for the rest of your future grandson's life.  Gloves are obviously cheap enough.  Balls can be cheap but that depends on how much of a dumb-ass you want seem like.  And here's where we start seeing the nonsense creep in.  

So the beginnings of my poor choices started with the clubs.  We'll start here because it wasn't my worst choice.  I bought some Callaway's for $299.  I'd say that's an OK decision.  The problem is that once you've committed to better gear you've already mind-fucked yourself.  You're thinking, "Well now that I've upgraded to better gear how could I NOT already be a better golfer?"  It's a terrible mistake to make yet 99% of recreational golfers fall victim to the delirium.  Hell, the club set is never the biggest joke, either!  Golf is such a dick-measuring sport it comes down to the drivers/woods in the bag.  Someone's always willing to make a spectacle of pulling their brand new driver out on the 1st tee, showing it off like a prized pig at a county fair, and telling us all how much they got the damn thing for.  Awesome dude.  I'll go ahead and bet all the money you spent on your driver that you're about to slice the shit out of this drive.  Drivers/woods are too much.  I kept my grandfather's old woods and am 'permanently borrowing' a friend's driver.  Thanks if you end up reading this, too!  You know who you are.

So after I purchased my clubs I went right down the gear list and snatched up some new balls.  Mistake #2.  I bought a nicer package of balls.  Why?  Truly, why the hell did I need the better ball?  I'm going to rip through at least have the amount I buy right out on the course!  I will lose at least one a hole.  Might as well go after the bargain bag of balls and sleep sounder knowing I didn't spend half a paycheck on GOLF BALLS.  Jesus.  And now that I'm thinking about how ridiculous we're getting....how about those clowns who mark their balls with a Sharpie?  Give it a rest, Tiger.  None of us out here will be anywhere near each other and I didn't buy the top of the line ball you wasted your money on so we're not shooting the same brand.  Save the marker for sniffing.

Attire.  This one is a fun one.  I had every intention of polishing up my golf look but I didn't make it too far.  I have one pair of pants I bought at Target along with two identical shirts that only differ in color.  That's usually all I wear.  It's enough to deflect stares at the nicer courses and good enough to not look like a homeless guy who stumbled onto a public course (although you could conceivably get away with jean shorts and a tank top at a public course).  I've got buddies I play with who take their look to a whole other level.  I mean, you get to the course and you could swear you've been paired up with a PGA pro!  Nike Golf gear head to toe.  Branded hats.  Oakley shades.  Shit, they'll even rest their shades on their hat in a funky way to emulate professional golfers.  LAME.  ASS.  I want so badly to tell them that no one particular outfit is going to help your golf game but I don't tell them because I'm not so sure that they'd believe me.  Fine.  Wear your ridiculous golf Halloween costume.  It just means I don't have to waste pen, paper, and ink on putting an 'ASSHOLE' sign on your back.

Now let's pick apart golf and all of its amusing nuances a wee bit more.  

We'll continue with the lying.  My GOD do people lie about their golf game!  If anyone is good at any part of their golf game it has got to be lying.  I just don't get it.  Someone please tell me the benefit behind the lies!  Or better yet, let's start here:  How is it that on days we play together it's the worst round you've ever shot yet conveniently when you're playing a solo round you have the lowest score of your life?!  I don't care how good you are -excuse me- how good you THINK you are.  We're all playing at a public course after work on a weekday....WHICH MEANS....that we are not on the PGA Tour.  This ALSO means that none of us is getting paid to golf.  On the contrary.  We get to PAY to play.  So cut the shit and fork over your real score.  Oh, it can get worse, too!  Some guys I've played with have the stones to fudge their score right to your face!  If I've got scorecard duties then I'm sure as shit gonna keep an eye on your round.  Remember that last hole we just played?  I literally watched you, from tee to cup, physically strike the ball seven times.  It was a par 4.  If we breakdown the math quick this would mean you shot three-over par.  But wait!  According to your lying ass you managed to sneak in a five on that hole.  What's fantastically amusing is at this point the culprit will turn around and look back at the hole, use their finger to point to where each shot happened, do the math in their head, mentally forgive themselves for lying to you, and THEN give you their bullshit score.  Go drown yourself in the man-made pond on the next hole you bag of douche.  

I suppose I just never understood why/how golf became such a measure of success for some folks and sadly it took me getting caught up in the nonsense burgers to realize this atrocity.  When you start throwing around handicaps or how many total putts you had in a round I'm tuning you out because I've started fantasizing about which one of your clubs I'm going to beat you to death with.  Oh!  Found my answer!  ALL OF THEM.  

Allow me to reiterate for a moment.  We recreational golfers have to PAY to play the game of golf.  None of us is good enough to be on Tour.  That right there should give you enough of a swift kick to the sack, right?  No?  Still not enough?  Well it should be.  I want you to think about that while you're out at the range practicing at being even more mediocre at this sport.

What's wrong with the simple pleasures I mentioned before?  Just being outside, enjoying some brews, some good company, and laughing at each other's shitty shots?  Tell me why you need to get so worked up over a sport you're not even that good at?  Even if you managed to get better and be 'decent' at golf you'll never be good enough to get paid.  It's too late.  Does that hurt your feelings?  I'm not sorry because earlier you had lied to me about your score.  Time to enjoy golf for what it really is....goofy entertainment.

FOUR!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The 1990's.  What a Beautiful Mess.

The 1990's. What a Beautiful Mess.

Life Rule #003.  Road Trips

Life Rule #003. Road Trips

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