"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

(Dusting Off a Classic)  The Lunch Box

(Dusting Off a Classic) The Lunch Box

"Ugh.  Is it time already?"  You think to yourself as your mother strides into the room one last time to wake you for school, except this time around she's holstering a squirt bottle chock full of agua, and she'll use that shit.  She's done it before.

Up and at 'em!

God Almighty the school morning ritual was brutal.  Cereal, shower, dress, find out if the dog ate your solar system project, and out the door you went.  Oh but wait!  Are we not forgetting one key element to your daily routine?  You bet your scholarly ass we are.

Your backpack feels awfully light today does it not?  You might want to run a quick interior scan to make sure all is right with the world.  

Trapper Keeper?  Check.  Last night's completed homework?  Check.  The eloquently written note to your future girlfriend (you pray)?  Check.  Your lunchbox....your food?  NOOOO!  Back inside you rush.  How is one expected to survive the rigors of an entire school day without proper sustenance?  Right next to recess, lunch is the greatest hour of your day.  How could you be so sloppy?  

After a mad dash to the kitchen your worst fears are confirmed for there, on the counter, lies your little treasure chest of goodies.  You cautiously approach the tin with the stealth of Indian Jones.  Will the objects inside fulfill your culinary dreams?  Let's find out.

You close your eyes and open the lid.  "Please Mom.  By the good graces of Little Debbie I hope you have a few treats hidden away in here."  Classic.  Resting neatly in your container are the essentials....PB & J, apple or banana, chips or pretzels, carrots, string cheese....wait....what is missing in this equation?!  Where is the dessert?!  Cookies?  Brownie?  You're not emotionally prepared to wheel and deal your fruit in the cafeteria today.  Now you're just about to earn a week's worth of grounding by screaming 'AH HORSESHIT!' when something under the sandwich catches your eye.  Could it be?  Now or never, son.  You take a deep breath, lift the sandwich, and feel a diabetic rush wash over you.

There it is!  Your package of Nutty Bars!  YES!!  Mom, you are the light of my life!!!!  Now snap that puppy shut and get moving before you miss the bus.

Get in the time machine.  Let's head back to the present.

We all have a feeling that we're missing something in life, don't we?  I believe most of those feelings are simple, like the lunchbox.  Much like school, we despise waking up in the morning to head to work.  Why not make the morning preparations worth your while?  Get out there, do some research, and track down one of those He-Man lunchboxes you used to sport when you were 10.  Why not?  You'll be the talk of the break room!  A much better alternative to everyone talking about who the office slut slept with again.

And yet danger lurks in these here hills, for I feel as though the lunchbox is a perfect vessel the hipster community might push out to sea in an attempt to swash-buckle us into another trend they deem their own. I sure can see it now, can you? The fella who usually strolls into work with his black jeans and checkered Vans now comes complete with an ALF lunchbox. Damn him for thinking HE can take credit for the reboot of the once-popular sitcom starring an alien Muppet! Alas, he gets the looks and he’s once again the office conversation piece; that is, until I come waltzing in with my Land Before Time treasure. Your move, friend. Your move.

But I can’t judge a man (or woman) for resurrecting one of the greatest memories of our youth. Perhaps it’s the lunchbox that brings recess back into the fold. Forget these business lunches. I want a designated hour when all the office employees can rush down the street to the park and enjoy some good old fashioned fresh air. Maybe we all join forces and spin up a game of Red Rover. Holy shit, remember THAT game?! No, that wasn’t a game; that was a carefully thought out plan of who’s going to get clotheslined today. God we were savages. It was fun while it lasted, though!

So in the meantime, while we wait for all of our crusty senior executives to reinstate play time, make your lunchtime the BEST time of your day again.  Harness that magic of yore.  Cherish your food and pack it away into the temple where it belongs.

Lunchboxes.  Briefcases for your food.


Life Rule #0209:  A Message In a Bottle

Life Rule #0209: A Message In a Bottle

Twists On a Classic: Gulliver Grey & The Granola Mill - Chapter One

Twists On a Classic: Gulliver Grey & The Granola Mill - Chapter One