"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

Fast Food Isn't Real Nor Are Their Mascots

Fast Food Isn't Real Nor Are Their Mascots

The other day my peepers just so happened to experience a violation from the advertising minds behind Wendy's fast food chain.  Well what in the hell do we have here?  Is there really a mildly attractive redhead making the decision to consume items off of Wendy's menu on a regular basis?  There can be almost no truth to that scenario.  And yet there she is, mowing down salads, burgers, and fries almost as if her arteries are thanking her for the lack of nutrients.  I must confess that a large majority of my distrust in this woman lies in the unfathomable fact that I have yet to see her enjoy a Frosty.  You witch.

Did she not learn a very valuable lesson from her late predecessor David Thomas?  Oh yes, you all remember Dave; the old man who managed to snare us in the tangled web of lies he spun for years.  Apparently old Dave (God rest his soul) heeded his own advice one too many times.  We humans are limited in the amount of trips we can take down the lonely road of the drive-thru.  Dave danced with the dollar menu much too often.  Eventually the cost was his life.  Not much of a 'value' in the end there was it Dave?

Now this sassy little redhead might peculiarly be immune to obesity but she's not immune to the cold steel song sung by the razor sharp sickle of the Grim Reaper.  She may not have learned her lesson as of yet but we all sure learned something, didn't we?  We did.

What we learned is that these fast food joints need to cut the shit and put an end to real life mascots peddling their sesame seeds!  I don't know about you but I don't want to witness another human such as myself shoveling in one more Big Mac, washing it down with a large Pepsi, and then cooling down the heartburn with a vanilla shake.  That recipe is grounds for a hospital visit and yet they're back the next day showing you that not only will they do it again but they'll slap a smile on their face while doing it!  Any REAL person would be weeping all over their greasy burger wrapper.  I mean, violently crying.  

My point is this:  We NEED to see the unrealistic, the fantastical, the fast food fairy tale.  I can stomach a giant purple fuzzy pear (Grimace) wolfing down a bulldozer's worth of nuggets because I know he doesn't exist and he can 'live' in our lives forever!  What I cannot stomach is the amount of garbage these 'restaurants' want me to intake.

I'm fine with Taco Bell tossing a out a chihuahua as their voice of reason.  It confuses me but I hate those little shits and I pray that every time I hear it's pathetic voice on the television it's cutoff abruptly by someone jamming an over-sized Chalupa down its gullet.

I hate clowns.  Ronald McDonald is a sinister individual but he's not real so I don't lose sleep over wishing for his slow and painful death.  I'm serious.  If it's at all possible for him to get stabbed by one hundred balloon swords and die I would go out and learn how to juggle the entire box of a 20 piece McNugget in his worthless memory.

So let's leave the world of the mascot to the dreamers.  Feed me more cartoons of goofy creatures.  Just please....PLEASE don't try to feed me more off of your menu.

You Won't

You Won't

Seasick Steve

Seasick Steve

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