"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

Life Rule #400.  Parking Violation

Life Rule #400. Parking Violation

As you pull into the parking lot you hold your breath just praying to find an open spot and as you tentatively enter you let out a sigh of relief noticing that today there happens to be ample parking.

Much like a king glides amidst the throngs of his loyal subjects you casually weave your way through the lot deciding on which spot best suites your needs.  And just as you've picked out a winner you stop dead in your tracks for you notice the sun dancing and flickering off of an object seemingly miles away from any other automobile on the lot.  You abandon your prized position in the lot to investigate.  As you inch closer your wildest dreams are confirmed.  It IS another car.  Now why in the hell is it parked way out here?  And why is it parked right over the line taking up two spots?  There isn't another car within 100 yards of this loner.  You shake away the confusion clouding your judgement.  You know what to do in this scenario.  Time to apply Life Rule #400.

You have encountered an asshole.  More often than not you'll be staring back at an Audi, BMW, Porsche, or any other make with a six-figure sales tag.  Sure, the machine is beautiful, and it will probably look like it just came out of the wash, because it did.  It undoubtedly gets washed everyday just like the vagina its owner has tucked between his legs.  What can one pretentious yeast infection gain from sticking out like the sorest of thumbs?  Nothing.  Afraid of getting dinged?  Please, there aren't enough empty lots in the world for you to seclude your midlife crisis every time you park.  You feel as though you're important?  Above the rest of the metal jungle of sedans, vans, and trucks at the far end of the lot?  Wrong again.  You are a prick with an unhealthy case of always needing to dick measure.  The only problem there is that no one else is lining up to slap their hog down on the table because they don't give a rat's rear end.

Enter....you.  You now have the power.  Storm this turd burglar's castle and mind-fuck him into next month's Car & Driver issue.  Park.  Right.  Next.  To.  Him.  I'm hoping you don't have enough time in your day to stake out a hiding spot and video tape his reaction but imagine it and know that it will be breathtaking.  He'll lose his shit!  How DARE someone have the gall to park beside his majestic steed!  Don't feel bad, he deserves the royal flush you just dropped on him.  In all actuality he deserves to have his brake lines severed but you don't need to take the situation to level murder.  

Congratulations.  You did a good deed today, and although it may go unnoticed to most, it did NOT slip past the now tortured mind of one particular bag of dicks.

Now go enjoy a Werther's.  

 

Maps & Atlases

Maps & Atlases

Life Rule #1001.  Weather Alert!

Life Rule #1001. Weather Alert!

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