"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

PTO.  Take the time off!

PTO. Take the time off!

I'm not grinding this axe because I've got PTO coming up.  I'm sure as hell not on PTO at the moment because I would NOT be sitting here typing on my computer.  I'm here to bitch about the sad state of affairs vacation has become in this country.

What in the hell is wrong with people?!  How this is even an issue makes less sense to me than the production of a sequel to The Sandlot.  I definitely filed this one away in my mind under 'Do Not Disturb' because I thought it was a no-brainer.

Yet here we are, and for some sick reason people nowadays take pride in being available during their 'vacation'.  You disgust me.  Really, you're an asshole.  What's the endgame, exactly?  Do you really think that your job is THAT important?  It's not.  Go ahead, get upset about the hard angle I'm taking with this nonsense, just consider this; if the President of the United States of America takes vacation then please tell us all how your shit job trumps being the Commander in Chief.  After you pick up the pieces of your shattered ego then you have my permission to go away.

If working every single one of the 365 days offered to you in a given year means so much to you then tell your employer to take your PTO off the table.  I'm sure they'd happily oblige.  

And just like that we land on issue #2 of this Axe grinding.  How in the name of all HR violations can 10 days of paid time off be acceptable?!  TEN DAYS.  Two business weeks out of an entire year are yours!  Go nuts!  Or rather, spend those ten days contemplating how you want to kill yourself.  That is pathetic.  Oh, I'm sorry, I almost forgot.  We should be thankful for the other 8-10 days of holiday vacation because those celebrations NEVER fall on inconvenient days of the week.  Christmas is on a Wednesday this year?  Sorry, we'll need you to file back into the office on Thursday and Friday.  If you would rather spend quality time with family and friends instead of work you are more than welcome to burn through those 10 PTO days we gift-wrapped for you!  YEA!

Back to issue #1 and the hooligans who jerk-off to the company newsletter.  God dammit I hate you jerks.  Yes, you're jerks.  I'm so flustered I couldn't weave up a healthy quilt of shame for you all.  If I chopped of both of your hands with the office paper-slicer you'd use your fucking nose to keep pumping out emails.  "Hey everyone!  Even though my 'out of office' reply is activated that doesn't mean you can't reach me at all hours of the day!  I want everyone in the company to know that I will do whatever it takes to stay available!"  Do you have no life?  No family or friends to recharge the batteries with?  You cannot take that much joy out of your job when life has so much more to offer.  I will not accept that bush league excuse.  Of course, those of you lucky sons a bitches that found your dream job or work for yourselves have somewhat of an exemption.  Not much, though.  Remember, we only get to do this whole life thing once.  You're wasting time folks.

And wouldn't you know it?!  We have a third issue!  The dick tips who give you a hard time when you get back from vacation.  Fuck you.  A lot of times it's the same fur burgers who never seem to take time off.  Listen here pal.  Don't give me shit for enjoying my life when you clearly have no idea how to make that happen.  Oh boo hoo!  Work was busy while I was out?  Tough shit.  Maybe now YOU should take some time off.  Unless I was the only one still affected by gravity while on vacation I'm fairly certain the world kept turning for all of us.  Mind your own business unless you actually would care to know how my break went.  

Why do you suppose that a large percentage of America's working force is miserable?  Sure, there are multiple factors involved, but if we were playing an episode of Family Feud: Office Edition I would bet you one Steve Harvey mustache (because it's gorgeous) that one of the top answers was LACK OF TIME OFF.  

We aren't wired to squat in cubicles all day.  We aren't meant to face-fuck a computer screen 24/7.  We're supposed to be basking in the warmth of the sun not frying under the dead glare of a stale fluorescent light.

And yet what do some people consider 'winding down'?  Ahhhh, just plopping down on the couch to catch up on more TV shows I received recommendations on.  So you go from one screen to the next.  Solid effort you douche canoe.  GET OUT THERE!  No, you don't need to whitewater kayak down a raging river.  You don't need to scale a vertical cliff face.  But for the sake of all things righteous take advantage of the NATURAL beauty the world is giving you.  A job is work and by definition we hate both.  Take the time to play.  If you don't the kid you once were has a slingshot held with dead aim right on your nutsack.  As Aaron Rodgers so eloquently put it, "RELAX".

Whew!  That's enough work for me for one night.  I do believe I've earned a day off tomorrow!  Good night suckers!


Life Rule #1001.  Weather Alert!

Life Rule #1001. Weather Alert!

You Won't

You Won't