"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

Grind Up On Me....Coffee.

Grind Up On Me....Coffee.

Most of us love that liquid gold.  It's not enough to call it the breakfast of champions.  No, it's the breakfast of gods.  Speaking of gods....the Bible's Book of Genesis fails to highlight one little fact about the creation of Heaven and Earth.  On the 7th day God did indeed rest up BUT before he did he had a few more things to create.

That omnipotent beauty set about creating the first batch of coffee beans, coffee maker, and coffee mug.  As soon as that first brew was ready for His enjoyment God grabbed His mug appropriately labeled 'WORLD'S #1 FATHER.  #1 SON.  #1 HOLY SPIRIT.', filled it to the brim, and rested his mighty haunches on a sweet lush bed of grass.  Only then was His work complete.

How do you NOT feel exactly like that as your first cup goes down?  Coffee possess magical powers man has lovingly harnessed for centuries.  Hungry?  Coffee.  Hungover?  Coffee.  Need something to help wash down that plate of over-easy's?  Coffee.  Need to shit?  COFFEE.

Some folks aren't too privy to the beverage and that's OK.  There's no need to ridicule here.  If they don't want to know what it feels like to juggle eight running chainsaws blindfolded then that is their prerogative.  There's plenty of milk and OJ to go around.  Have at it children.

Now that I've placed coffee high atop its aromatic pedestal I'd like to halt with the bean grinding and grind an Axe for you all.

As good as coffee is what is the deal with the snob angle?  Here we go again!  Much like damn near every other thing in our lives there just HAS to be something better, huh?  My run-of-the-mill off-brand grounds aren't good enough for you?  Well maybe they'd taste better if I slipped the burlap sack my beans came in over your head, tightened the rope, and poured a whole steaming 12 cup pot over your pompous skull.  Oh, forgive me, I'm so sorry!  Are you screaming in delight or sheer terror and pain?  It matters little.  The point's across.

Hey, I took a hard angle there, wouldn't ya say?  My apologies.  I do appreciate a quality brand of anything, I really do.  Are there some coffee's out there better than others?  You bet your medium roasted little ass there are.  Just don't waste your breath or your time trying to convince me that I HAVE to buy only one brand of coffee.  Sure, one does enjoy the finer things in life.  But what shall we do if the finer things aren't always at our disposal?  My problem is this:  there's one thing ALL coffees have in common.  Whether it's a batch of Folgers or a cup straight from the fields of Columbia each cup of coffee GETS THE JOB DONE.

If I'm 14 days away from a payday and nothing's on sale at the local grocer?  Well, shit!  I'm going after the bottom shelf and there'll be zero shame in my heart.  I'll cherish those beans like they were the last bag on earth.  Actually, while we're ripping through this topic I had a thought.  I'm a little surprised the hipster community hasn't latched onto this market yet.  Follow me.  They took a cheap (yet decent) beer in Pabst Blue Ribbon and made it their own.  How?  I'm not quite sure but I curse handlebar mustaches everywhere when someone gives me shit for drinking a PBR.  Sometimes, it's just a good beer.  So why hasn't the hipster  brigade gotten affectionate for the likes of Chock Full o' Nuts?  I can hear it now!  "It's such a good quality bean Sebastian!  And how gnarly is the metal tin it comes in?!  Once I'm done with my coffee I can save my change in here or even my Pog collection!"

Sad.  Maybe I'm glad they haven't leeched onto coffee yet.  After all, you can't afford to be too jittery while cruising around town on your unicycle.

So can we please just cool it with the aristocratic coffee nonsense?  There's no need.  Let's embrace the splendid fact that we all love that one mesmerizing morning potion.

And permit me to quickly add this tiny tidbit:  Knock it off with the cocoa and the whip cream and the caramel and all of that sugary horseshit.  You are a fraud.  You don't like coffee!  You mask that perfect flavor with lies and deceit!  Shame on you.  If you're so horny for a cup of syrup just hit the store and grab some Hershey's.  Quit defiling our coffee.

Oh, and Starbucks?  You can suck shit.

No all you lovelies go enjoy the best part of waking up. 



Tuesday Toss UP V

Tuesday Toss UP V

Middle Brother

Middle Brother