Barbicide: Where Melted Otter Pops Go to Die.
If you're not familiar with the word 'barbicide', much like myself, then allow me to point you in the proper direction. Walk into your nearest barbershop and take a look at the counters in front of the chairs where barbers keep their tools of the trade. Your search won't last long, I promise you that much. All you need to locate is the uncomfortably large jar of blue juice. Got it? Good.
Now restrain yourself from dashing over to that vessel of what you probably think is Kool-Aid or melted popsicle juice, and guzzling it all down; for that jar couldn't be further from a bowl full of fun. Please, don't drink it. You run the risk of high hospital bills or death.
What you're staring at is Barbicide. The comb disinfectant which has been a staple in barbershops across the nation for over 60 years. The problem we now have is associating this concoction of chemicals with a disregarded box of Otter Pops. Do you see it? Look closer. How in the hell do you not crave Popsicle juice when eyeballing a jar of Barbicide? I suppose I can rest my case....or keep going. See, this got me thinking a wee bit. What other intoxicating toxic items could we associate with food? Let's take a stab at it, shall we?
I'm going to start with bathroom caulk. Ya know, the shit you force out of a tube that lines your tile. At least I think I'm barking up the right tree. I can barely hang a frame on the wall so you'll have to excuse my aim if I miss the mark. Either way, anytime I see that crap oozing out of its canister I can't help but think of that good old classic squeezable bubble gum. My God! That invention was disastrously delightful, wasn't it? Gooey gum just dangling its way into your mouth. Who ever decided that we needed gum in a squeeze bottle? Heathens.
Next up: Dusters. Now, I suppose it can depend on what dusters you use but when I see one of those big suckers going to work my mind drifts towards a Tilt 'O Whirl and cotton candy. Unfortunately I can't dig up anything that resembles an elephant ear. Maybe Wilford Brimley's actual ear mainly due to the fact that both an elephant and Wilford's ear are crawling with diabetes.
Alright, let's talk Pine Sol, and let's talk about how that shit reminds you of Gatorade, Powerade, or any other "hydrating" drink you can think of. Look at this LINE UP!! If I didn't know any better I'd snatch up one of those bottles and guzzle 'er down. Never mind the inevitable ramifications resulting in my insides getting cleaned out quicker than a tile floor.
By the way, who wins in a head to head match-up when it comes to the Pine Sol lady and Mr. Clean? I can tell ya right now that I'm emptying out my bank account and putting every last penny down on Mrs. Pine Sol. She'd take that bald-headed SOB to TOWN!
Our silly little game continues. Next up? Steel wool. Or, as it's more accurately known, the Ramen package under your sink. OK, maybe the fibers aren't as thick as those brittle noodles which float around in your bowl but both of these items have one thing in common: sadness. Ramen is reserved for poor college kids or an Asian salad your mom whips up for Sunday dinner. What? Your mother never smashed up a packet of dry Ramen and sprinkled it into a salad, then had the confidence to convince you it came from a faraway land? Welcome to the Midwest. Steel wool, on the other hand, can only equal sweat-inducing kitchenware cleanup. When you have to crack out the steel wool it means you've turned your back on a pan that's been sitting atop the kitchen counter crusting up with contents that no longer resemble the chili you made two days ago. Come to think of it, if you can't locate a bushel of steel wool beneath your sink yet you have a packet of Ramen in your pantry, you mine as well yank those noodles out and let them go to work. I wouldn't be shocked if they get the cleaning job done.
Brace yourselves. Here comes the speed round!
A mop: Spaghetti noodles dangling on the end of a stick.
Toilet bowl cleaner: Just a different color for syrup you drizzle on your ice cream.
Comet: Coconut shavings or a can of salt.
Buzzer. This game's either boring or getting out of hand.
I suppose I just wanted to call out how ridiculous Barbicide actually is. It's blue juice for your combs.