College Bowl Season. A Bowl Full of Nonsense.
All I want for Christmas is less bowl games. Look, I enjoy catching a few sporting events here and there, no question. I’ll always pull for my Spartans, even if the two quarterbacks they currently have on their roster would be riding the pine in any peewee league across the country But if there were ever a line drawn in the sand of college athletics, then the NCAA has trotted so far past that mark it’s no longer visible, even if you had a fucking telescope at your disposal.
There are 40 BOWL GAMES this year! Hell, by the time I finish typing this article we may well be past 50. What an excellent way to celebrate mediocrity. We have almost as many bowl games as half the number of total teams in college football’s highest division. Apparently there are 130 teams in the FBS (football bowl subdivision). The football bowl subdivision? That’s a shit name, so let’s move past that one….quickly. With 40 bowl match-ups slated for 2018-19, that means 80 of the 130 teams will be playing in games sponsored by the best dog food, chip brand, fertilizer, and car rental companies that America has to offer. What else should we expect? With 40 bowls, SOMEONE’S got to fork over the cash to slap their name on a glorified high school football game played in El Paso, TX. Anyone want to guess our favorite bowl sponsor this year? The Cheez-It Bowl. No brainer. It got us thinking….
Screw another college football playoff with Alabama, Clemson, and two other teams willing to get taken behind the woodshed and absolutely raped by the aforementioned juggernauts. I want a lottery ball style selection! That’s right. Roll out the rotating wire basket and pack that sucker to the gills with 80 ping pong balls. Each ball represents one of the 80 teams who bewilderingly qualify for this year’s bowl season. Now, let the REAL games begin….
You already know where this is going. Or do you? In the spirit of games involving chance, we must look to the master of all! Dare I say, “Come on down!” You guessed wrong, for Drew Carey has no place in this world until someone decides to bring him back as the host of “Who’s Line Is It Anyway?” No. We’re going to wheel out Bob Barker’s rotting corpse and let the worms wriggling around his coffin choose the fate of all 80 teams! Things are starting to get interesting, if not utterly ridiculous. And you’re right, this selection method is catastrophic, but for good reason. See, the point is to bring college football down to its knees. Yet, that’s not low enough. We want that greedy, grinding, monster of a machine to fall flat on its face and come to a screeching halt. Ass jugglers the likes of ESPN want you to think that the regular season matters! The first 12 games of the season are a playoff just as much as the final 56 months of bowl season! If that were the case, then why, pray tell, are the same top 10-15 teams rotating turns playing in the most meaningful games of the postseason while undefeated teams playing in “lesser” conferences get to sit on their thumbs and watch the SEC enjoy the blow jobs ESPN is giving them on a daily basis? Wipe up that mascara ESPN, you’re gagging.
Side Note: Explain the logic behind teams playing their final game of the regular season only to be rewarded with sitting around for another two months wondering what in a hell they’re doing while 79 other teams play in games represented by Pistachios. You can’t explain shit, because there’s zero method to that madness. End side note.
Circling back to our bingo ball selection contest; things are heating up! Alabama has just earned a spot in the Meow Mix Bowl! Their opponent? A stealthy 6-6 Western Kentucky team who has upset on their minds. This one could go down to the wire. You can hear the stuttering southern drawls swelling from the deep south. An army of polo tees is rising up in protest. It appears as though they’ve left their fraternity rituals and are marching on our newly formed selection committee. Fear not! Those preppy douche bags stand nary a chance against the ghost of Bob Barker. Who in the hell dresses up for a football game, anyway? “It’s our tradition, yada yada yada.” Shut the hell up. You’re all pathetic. Go home and iron your J-Crew chinos….flounders.
Up next, OHHHH we have a DOOZY! Notre Dame pitted against a rather formidable foe: Every single poor soul who was targeted by ESPN as a “feel good story”. Hope you’re prepared to squirm a bit in your seats, this one’s not for the faint of heart. We’ve called upon all the subjects of stories ESPN has aired over the years in an attempt to squeeze every last emotion, or should I say dollar, out of you saps. They can say whatever they please, I’m not buying their bullshit. Those assholes over in Bristol want the ratings. What better way than to prey on poor folks who just want to cheer for their team? At this point I’m surprised ESPN hasn’t sent out flyers clamoring for anyone with a disability and a favorite sports team to head on into headquarters. “Hey! If you’ve got cancer, are in a wheelchair, can’t see out of your left eye (TLC joke), or don’t anticipate you’ll make it past February of 2019, then come on down (still riding high with the Price Is Right puns)!” I mean, come on. Think about this one….hard. How is it that seemingly every single underdog team comes complete with a mascot who’s life is backed up against the ropes? Coincidence? Hardly. They (ESPN) know damn well that America LOVES an underdog story. They just brilliantly, albeit cynically, doubled down to give you a main course (the sports team) along with a side of what REALLY matters….the folks who are fighting like hell to conquer all the horseshit life has thrown at them. Go ahead, fight this one. Tell me I’m a piece of shit, but before you do….do you really think any of us would know who in the hell Sister Jean was if it weren’t for Loyola’s massive upset of Virginia in the first and only upset of a #16 and #1 seed in the NCAA basketball tournament? How about that brave young man rooting for his beloved Purdue Boilermakers? Think if they would have gotten blown out by ohio state (lower case ON PURPOSE) as predicted we’d even SEE that kid? No, we’d all still be wondering where in the hell Purdue is! It’s in Indiana, right?
Herein lies Notre Dame’s dilemma: play a meaningless football game against of bunch of folks battling everything life can hurl at them, OR act like the “good Catholic saints” they claim to be, and walk away with a forfeit tucked under that filthy gold helmet they’re always hoisting into the air. WHEW! Our new system is working its magic, I’d say.
OK, inappropriate jests aside, the obsession with sports across America is teetering on pathetic. I’m surprised we didn’t grind this all to a screeching halt when grown men consciously decided that it’d be a tremendous idea to wear body paint, multi-colored wigs, and jerseys in support of their favorite teams. Men over 8 years old people, that’s the demographic we’re targeting. Oh, and you better believe that if any one of these heathen’s teams finds themselves in the Sour Patch Kids Bowl, they’re going. Hmmmm, I suppose we could blame ourselves for how out of hand athletics have gotten around here, yea? 40 bowl games IS ludicrous, however we’re still filling the seats, regardless of how “poor” of a bowl game our team finds themselves in. So maybe we dial back the shame game on ESPN and any other sports syndicate populating 80% of our channels? Haha….never. Alas, accusations might be best served around the entire dinner table, not just heaped atop the red headed step child’s plate (glancing in your direction yet again ESPN). Perhaps folks would lead more fulfilling lives if sports wasn’t the center of their universe. Maybe don’t hitch your life’s earnings to the back of a wagon that’s full of crap. Sports don’t matter that much, they just don’t.
(Sigh) Pipe dreams are named as such for a reason….that shit will never happen. That’s like tossing popcorn kernels into the microwave and asking them not to pop. Oh, they’re gonna pop baby. SO, once that bag is big and bloated, yank it out of your appliance, pour it all into a bowl, sit back, and now enjoy the show. Or, for you rabid sports fans with no life worth living, enjoy the game.
In the meantime, we’re going to refine our lottery ball bingo selection idea. Stay tuned, it could descend upon us before you know it.
Now go get some rest children, you’ve got 40 upcoming bowl games you need to plow through by spring of 2019.