"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

( Dusting Off a Classic) Life Rule #1099.  Take a Look....It's In a Book.

( Dusting Off a Classic) Life Rule #1099. Take a Look....It's In a Book.

Levar Burton. American actor. Philosopher. Hijacker of hearts. I CAN be anything Levar! And I want to be yours.

Now that I've got the theme song to that classic TV show stuck in your head, allow me to jump past the rainbow piece and talk to you about the reading portion.  We bitched about walking a few posts ago and  I'll be tackling the lost art of reading a book this evening.

What happened folks?  Sure, we can blame the usual suspects:  Television came along (ironic that The Reading Rainbow was on the tube) and really that was the technological gateway drug wasn't it?  Once TV’s started popping up in every living room across America we were treated to a digital snowball effect. Color TV steamrolled through, followed by computers, the internet, video games, and the limp-dick list goes on as they say.  

Wow.  I get it.  Lot of temptation out there.  It's much easier to watch a few shows on the boob-tube than it is to rip through a few chapters of a book before a little shuteye.  I'll just counter with a simple, 'kiss my rosy ass.' Now I’ll recapitulate that last comment by admitting my extreme pleasures of occasionally winding down my nights by tuning out and getting lost in that rectangular magic show on the wall. Doesn’t mean you need to go balls deep 24x7, just dip the tip a bit here and there.

Reading is delightful.  The other night's walking discussion tapped into our cardiovascular obligations and tonight we want to stress the importance of exercising that mind of yours.  Reading used to be dorky and nerdy, right?  God damn did those bullies get it all wrong.  They usually do.  It's funny, isn't it?  Those ass gobblers are probably still living in the same town you all grew up in and at best they're a used car sales rep.  Probably still have trouble reading if I had to guess.  I could never understand what was wrong with reading.

"Take a look....it's in a book...."  LeVar Burton was right!  It's in a book!  Whether you want to take down the latest New York Times Bestseller or work on becoming the history buff you've always aspired to be, that magical shit is in a book.  What's there NOT to like?!  You get to use your imagination to paint the picture. How radical is that brain talent?  That's why almost everyone tells you they thought the book was better than the movie.  See, if you read the book you've already built your own vision of what the characters look like, YOU constructed the world they live in.  Not ONCE has someone's personal images transferred from their minds to the big screen.  It ruins the experience because all of that shit was YOURS.  Oh, and just for good measure....FUCK YOU if you have a problem with people telling you they thought the book was better than the movie.  The only part of your movie experience that was better than my book reading adventure was the oil drum full of buttered popcorn you got to scarf down.  That salty snack is delightful, sure.  Other than that?  Keep your mouth shut.  You paid almost $20 to sit in a dirty seat that HAS to be infested with bed bugs.  Come on, do some people watching at a movie theater sometime.   Gross. Oh, but wait! I hear the mumblings of an argument coming. “We don’t have to go anywhere nowadays! I can stream anything and everything right from my tear-stained couch!” And you’re right, but you’re sad. There is absolutely zero rebuttal for why you shouldn’t spend time reading, much like there’s no excuse for why you wouldn’t want/need to exercise your physical body. Proof is in the pudding you little Jello-O fiends. Go on, scroll through your phone while you’re sitting in front of your TV if you’d like. There’s a cornucopia of content assimilating reading with your health.

Alas, reading has been placed on the endangered species list right along with the young minds of today.  Have you ever talked to someone 21 years of age or younger?  Fuck me to tears.  We're hosed if these kids are expected to sustain our world someday.  They're borderline retarded.  Oh yea....You bet I just used the word retarded.  I won't even lose any sleep over it because I wasn't referring to anyone your whining ass thought I might be describing.  I was simply letting you know what my brain told me the last time I spoke to one of these puppets.  My brain told me we're screwed.

I'm not horsing around folks!  My generation is losing the skill as well.  Ask ANYONE you bump into about our nation's history.  I'm not a gambler and I wish this wasn't true, but I betcha 50% of this country doesn't know who our first president was.  Right, right.  You could point your finger at the education system.  I'm not here tonight to argue for or against teachers.  I'm just bothered by the lack of reading going on out there.

People would rather licking their mobile devices.  Go ahead and tell me I'm wrong.  Go out ANYWHERE and look around.  Everyone's face is lit up like they're auditioning for a comeback of 'Are You Afraid of the Dark?'.  READ ALREADY!  Tap into a little history.  Read about love, read about cooking, read about the most exciting places in the world to visit, and then GO.  VISIT.  THAT.  SHIT.

You say reading is boring, either because you're not that good at it, or it's because it's not a vessel that pukes constant fireworks into your eyeballs.  It's no wonder people have that 'non-existent' disease known as ADD or ADHD (just another scam doctors use to get you to fatten their pockets....slimy fuck-sticks).  Who could ever focus again after a few days of updates and likes and videos and O.M.G!!!!!!!!  I hate that acronym for your information.  I placed it right where it is to emphasize my frustration.

Pull away from the digital lap dance you pathetic clowns.  Sit down, relax, and read a damn book.  No, not a magazine.  Flipping through People hardly constitutes as a poetic piece of literature.  Plus, no one should ever want or care to know what a reality star's relationship is "really" like.  They're all goobers.  Trust me, I know.  I grew up with one.

Now if you're sitting there getting fired up to start reading well that's great!  If it's your first time, fear not.  Reach out to the Axe, I can make some recommendations.  If you don't want to talk to me because I scare you well then just head on down to your local library.  What's cool about libraries is you have the ability to gain membership FOR FREE!  Yes, you read that right....or maybe you didn't.  Either way I'm not lying.  Take advantage of your library.  Endless books.  Free as the sex you're going to get from that girl you've been wanting to talk to.  Why's she going to sleep with you?  Because you already sound smarter.  Quick, go snatch up some poems and whisper literary magic into her ear.

"I can do anything!"  LaVar sure did.  Now it's your turn.  Get to reading.





Thursday Throw Around

Thursday Throw Around

Life Rule #2200.  Walk the Walk While You Talk the Talk

Life Rule #2200. Walk the Walk While You Talk the Talk