"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

Cleaning Product Scents & the Magical Places They Take Us

Cleaning Product Scents & the Magical Places They Take Us

Can you picture it?  Frolicking through the mist given off by an overpowering waterfall cascading down from the cliffs above?  You pounce from one moss-covered stone to the next all while attempting to avoid the crushing force of an unfathomable amount of water raining down upon you.  The scene is breathtaking.  The sounds are deafening.  As a matter of fact the moment is so perfectly pure you swear you can hear a harp playing in the distance.  The world?  Your oyster.  The smell?  Your dish soap.  Wait....what?!

Snap back to reality.  You're standing in front of your sink cleaning the night's dishes from supper.  Damn Dawn fooled you again!!

What is the deal with all of our cleaning supplies, body washes, deodorants and dish soaps having these exotic smells associated with them?  Meadows and rain.  Acai Berry & Tropical Water?  Why?  Let's do some more.  Caribbean Breeze.  Tropical Shea Butter.  What is that?  Mediterranean Lavender.  More?  Yes, more.  New Zealand Springs.  Read those back again for me.  Now who wouldn't want their body making love to each and every one of those scents?  I know I would, even if I have no idea why these combinations exist.  And they all actually exist!  You can find them all on your local grocer's shelves!  Insanity.

Let's move on to deodorants shall we?  Steel Courage?  Sure, if I'm called upon to save the world from rabid octopus.  Timber Fresher?  How many lumbersexuals own THAT scent?  98% of them do.  Lionpride?  Maybe, if I ever find myself roaming the Serengeti.  

A+ for creativity I suppose but pump the brakes a bit.  I don't need my kitchen to smell like an orange grove after I've done the dishes.  Now you're just making me crave some OJ and champagne.  When I wash my hands I don't need them smelling like warm ginger.  Plus, why does the ginger need to be warm?  What constitutes warm ginger besting the scent of cool ginger.  These questions are beyond my comprehension.  I think I need to go draw a nice warm bath and mix the water with a hint of some crisp Mt. Everest snow combined with the warm air from a starfish fart.  That should do the trick.  

Why these thoughts?  Why not?  Full disclosure, I was at the store the other day just staring back at rows of dish soaps.  Each scent seemed more tantalizing than the one before it.  Each label took me to places I'd never been and could only dream of going.  Some guy came up to me and told me he'd never seen someone concentrating so hard while looking at cleaning supplies.  I said, "No shit man!  I just don't know what to go with!  They're all so magical!"  We laughed, he went about his business, and left me alone with a plethora of smells that God created on the seventh day.  Pure madness.

If only there were a genie in those bottles.  As soon as you pop the top he materializes.  Although THIS particular genie doesn't grant you thrice wishes.  That mystical son of a bitch just takes you right to the location from whence your chosen scent originated.  Caribbean Breeze?  POOF!  Here's an alcoholic beverage inside of a coconut complete with a beach and soft steel drums serenading you in the background.  Ivory Snow?  POOF.  Would you look at that?!  You're careening down the Swiss Alps on a slick set of skis and a neat new winter cap!  Surreal.  Thank you household cleaner genie!  You're the best!

Exotic scents.  Not so exotic products.  Genies.  The Flannel Axe.  I love you all.  Goodnight.

National "Why" Day.  Enough is Enough.

National "Why" Day. Enough is Enough.

Life Rule #404.  The Sideburns Have Got to Go.

Life Rule #404. The Sideburns Have Got to Go.