National "Why" Day. Enough is Enough.
Things are flat getting out of hand people. How much frosting do you really need to put on my cinnamon roll? I withdraw my previous statement and will rephrase that question. How many damn national "holidays" do we have to stomach? One minute I think it's just another typical Wednesday and then some yahoo has to breeze by and remind me that it's National Donut Day. Guess what you sadistic sugar fiend, everyday is National Donut Day if you choose to shovel one of those delightful pastries into your pie hole. Why, pray tell, must we designate an actual date on the calendar for donuts?! We created a national holiday for fried dough. Who's face do I have to throw an entire pot of piping hot coffee on for creating THAT day? Seems like an appropriate response to me.
Here's a good one: National Hugging Day. Stunning. How many millennial signatures did it take to fill up those petition papers in order to get hugs passed as a recognized celebration? If you want to hug someone, just hug someone for Christ sake. Better yet, hug the pile of dirt I'm going to dump on your body when I bury you alive. There's my celebration.
How have we devolved this far? Will we forever be known as the Nation who has to recognize 365 of the most insignificant objects/subjects in order to make everyone feel "included"? Why wouldn't we take this ridiculous notion and choose actions that might actually supply some results? Shall we try a few?
- National "Give a Homeless Person a Job Application Instead of a Handful of Change Day"
- National "Shoot a Poacher That Shot an Endangered Species Day"
- National "Smash a Person's Phone Who's Taking a Selfie Day"
- National "Smack Someone Across the Face with a Live Octopus Who Reminds You That Today is a Nonsensical National Holiday....Day"
Point made. Time to put a lid on all of these bogus "holidays". Why does every single day have to be special? I shouldn't have to be forced to hug someone I don't want to hug. I'll hug the people I care about when I feel that they've earned my affection. You know who I'm NOT hugging? The person who tells me it's National Hugging Day. If I do hug them it's only an attempt to squeeze the life from their soulless bodies. National Brother Day?! I have two brothers. If I need a designated day of the year to remind me that I have male siblings then perhaps I need to create a national holiday of my own to get my life back together.
We're a greedy society nowadays. Holidays are supposed to be sparse and spread out. They're designed to have the same affect that vacation days have on people. You look forward to the break, the symbolism of a particular holiday and of the respite from reality. We're watering all of that down. How can you appreciate the "once in awhile" if they start happening EVERY SINGLE DAY? And anyone who says life would be better if everyday was a vacation is a nut job. It takes some hard work and effort to earn the "easy living". You're not entitled to that paradise you piece of shit. Toss around some good old elbow grease before you go spouting off about unlimited holidays.
It's at this moment you may be asking me to dial it back a notch. Take it easy! It's just one day celebrating all of the single people on the planet. Yes, another very really real holiday. Single Awareness Day. We've hit a new low. I'm sure folks out there who are all alone love nothing more than to be reminded that they're flying solo. Yet there they are, out stomping around and banding together. Today is OUR day! Damn all you couples and your ability to find that special someone! We don't need love and affection! Here's to OUR holiday! Oh yea? OK. I'll buy into this one. In fact, allow me to grant you all a parting gift for your illustrious celebration. Here's a ticket for a skydiving lesson. Get on the plane and while you're climbing higher into the sky read the note I left behind that says, "There's no pilot manning this aircraft. There are also no parachutes aboard this plane. In the unlikely event that one of you knows how to pilot an airplane I've taken it upon myself to rip all of the controls from the cockpit. I've filled the fuselage with enough gas to last the duration of your precious holiday. Enjoy!"
Before you know it we're going to have a national holiday celebrating the first official day we can start playing Christmas music on the radio after Thanksgiving. It's going to happen. In fact I may have just triggered an avalanche. Ah well. Let's hunker down and ride out the next wave of nonsense burgers.
You all have a safe and wonderful holiday weekend!! A REAL holiday!!