"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

Life Rule #6578.  The Winter Window

Life Rule #6578. The Winter Window

Take a deep breath, I'm not going to drop one of those ridiculously overused Game of Thrones "Winter's Coming" memes.  I'm an adult and I'll do you one better!

What's the Winter Window, you ask?  Why, it's the door to a man's soul.  Open that puppy up and you unlock the keys to the kingdom.  I was oddly reminded of the apple of my bedtime eye these last few days when our daily temperature clung steadily to the mid-90's giving our humble little abode a "frigid" inside temp of 85°.  You see, absent is the convenience of that magical contraption which converts your interior environment to a setting you find suitable to your needs.  Alas, we do not possess that which conditions our air.  Olde English translation to modern day squabble?  Our place is hotter than Dutch love.  Windows being open is nowhere near enough.  I'm thinking of just blasting holes in our walls in an attempt to let more air in.  We'll be the Swiss cheese kids.  Care I do not.

Bringing it back to the basics of this particular life rule!

Twas a summer's night after a hellishly hot day and all through the house, not a creature was stirring because they had all died from heatstroke.  The fans were all placed by the windows with care in hopes that my sweat-coated balls could get a taste of fresh air.  The wife and I were star-fished on top of our bed while visions of glacial runoffs danced through our heads.

Am I painting everyone a clear enough picture?  I should hope so.  So there I am, laying on a bed of what feels like hot coals, and I turn my head to look out one of our open windows.  I'll tell ya right now it took me back.  Back to a happier time.  A time when I could throw that window open in the dead of winter and invite Jack Frost's icy breath right in.  Ohhhh sweet sassy molassy!  The Winter Window!  Welcome to hibernation for humans.  If you've ever wondered what it must feel like to be a grizzly bear buried deep inside his cave for an entire season then you need to saddle up and experience the Window.  It's the closest we're going to get.  Why would I do it?  Shit, why WOULDN'T I?!  Those who've ventured to the promised land know exactly what I speak of.  Once your room starts transforming into an igloo you just hop right back into bed and bury yourself under that comforter of yours.  Don't have a comforter?!  Well, not a worry.  You'll be warm enough under the 6 feet of dirt I've buried on top of you.  No comforter?  You're a Nazi.  Go right the hell away and get lost forever; Sasquatch.

Oh, that precious Winter Window.  If this concept is foreign to you I'd highly recommend you give it a spin.  Your wife, girlfriend, partner, pet, plants, and balloon animals might hate you but the move needs to be done.  Add another notch to the old belt that holds up your pants of manhood.  Damn the consequences.  Go!  Go feel alive!  Well....actually....think about it for the next five months or so and just think how sweet it will be once that glorious day unfolds before you!

In the meantime, I'm going to go pull off my best Frosty impersonation, melt away, and dream of that magical winter wonderland!

Night kiddies.


Life Rule #2224.  Bow Ties.  Choke Yourself.

Life Rule #2224. Bow Ties. Choke Yourself.