"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

Poker On Television....It's Still A Thing.

Poker On Television....It's Still A Thing.

Poker.  Yes, that five-card game typically played atop a green felt table surrounded by a collection of mannequins representing every single fashion statement fathomable from the last 60 years.  That game....is still aired on television.  No, no, it's OK.  I'll wait while you clean up that vomit you just projected onto your screen.  Take your time.  Make sure you get it all.

All set?  Good.  Let's get into it then, shall we?

The question of "Why?" is a simple one to ask, therefore, we must provide a colorful array of responses to the first shot fired.  I'll ask one more time for emphasis.  Why?

Let's get the hard part out of the way and indulge those five or six maniacs out there who actually enjoy watching people shuffle around cards on TV.  I'm actually tempted to leave this section blank, and so I will.  There is absolutely not one good reason for recording a game of cards and putting that "action" on the boob tube.  That answer is final.

Folks, I'm having a hell of time finding a good place to start.  The concept itself is comical.  Ah, there it is.  Comical.  Let's start with the players themselves.  Speaking of jokers (first attempt at card humor)!  We're talking about gambling so let's make a bet.  How many of these man-children still live in their parents' basements?  I'd push in all my chips for 100% certainty but sadly I know that these ass clowns make absurd amounts of money for wearing sunglasses inside, so they're probably doing well enough to live in an apartment above an abandoned Blockbuster.  Sunglasses INSIDE!  That's an entirely separate conversation we could have but we'll touch it ever so slightly tonight.  What are you hiding?  Are your eyes really going to give something away?  Shame on you.  If you want the right to wear sunglasses during a game of poker you should have to earn that right.  Do you think a pirate wears an eye patch just because the ensemble calls for it?  I think not.  You know damn well he got that thing gauged out in an epic swashbuckling battle on the high seas or at the very least his pet parrot plucked the bastard out.  You just look like the most epic of all boners on record.  To my knowledge none of those tools are blind either, so we should be able to pay Stevie Wonder to stop by the World Series of poker and smack each one of these shame bags upside the head.

The World Series of Poker.  Creative name.  Did Pete Rose come up with that one?  Too soon for baseball and gambling jokes?  Never.  What a ridiculous name.  Perfect, I suppose, for a ridiculous event.  Just call it The Gathering of Sadness.  We're done here.

Back to the "players".  Speaking of which, can we please not call them players?  Just call them people.  Poker people.  Or, we could just call them Pokers.  Kind of gives them that "stay away from me I have a disease" type of vibe.  Maybe even a little "there's candy and fun in that windowless van over there" creepiness.  I like it.  On to the wardrobes.  I've seen FAR too much leather and I'm not sure how I feel about that other than angry.  Was the Fonz an avid card aficionado?  I was never really a Happy Days fan so I couldn't tell you, but I doubt it.  Did a bunch of these jackals just get done riding their Harley's clear across the country to get in some gambling?  Again, doubtful, considering most of these goosebumps probably woke up this morning and wolfed down a mixing bowl worth of Applejacks while watching Pokemon.  Ditch the jackets boys.  Then you have the guys that just do not care.  Couldn't give a rat's ass.  At the very least I'll give these fellas a bit of credit for not hiding the fact that they just came from finishing a shift at their local car wash.  Because televised poker is so ridiculous I believe that every body who enters the competition should have to dress up as their favorite Sesame Street character.  You know they all have one.

How about the wizards who sit there and fiddle with their chips?  Ohhhhhhhh, you sorcerer you!  Knock it off already.  Cool trick.  Moving objects with your hands.  I suppose I could give you a few kudos seeing as how you might actually be exerting more energy than the rest of your competition.  Because, well, you're all just sitting there.  But enough with the hand gestures.  Either put those puppies in your lap or go learn how to play the piano.  I don't know.

Moving on in the great wide world of poker!  Commentary.  Nope, not mine.  There are actually living and breathing human beings sitting at these events taking part in conversation regarding the excitement going on around them.  Mesmerizing.  So, not only do we have tree stumps sitting around a table moving only their wrists, we now have egomaniacs desperate for ANY sort of airtime squawking in the background.  It gets better.  The panel will usually consist of past Pokers.  Hall of Famers.  HAHAHAHA!  There's a hall of fame for poker.  I'm done.  How hard do people laugh when a hall of fame poker "player" tells them that he's in the hall of fame?  I sense a scene unfolding....

Let's set the stage.  Today's imagination finds us in a neighbor's backyard.  It's a nice Indian Summer kind of day.  Kids are running around the lawn.  The grill is packed with delectable meats.  A squad of wives sit around a table drinking wine and gossiping about the latest pool boy hired to clean the neighborhood pools.  A gang of men gather near the grill (where they should always congregate), beers in hand.  One douche bag has already established himself as the alpha when he kicks off the inevitable conversation around what each man does for a living.  Round and round we go!  Each profession seems more illustrious than the first.  Each man scrambles to plant himself atop the pyramid of dominance.  And then we come to Rod....

Alpha D Bag:  So Rod, what have you been up to these days?

Rod:  Who, me?  Oh, I was just inducted into the Poker Hall of Fame.

As soon as Rod is done speaking the sound which is produced by this particular group of gentlemen is so earth-shattering that the noise is registered on the Richter Scale.  There are so many tears of laughter produced that the kids seize their opportunity, pull out a Slip n' Slide and start barreling down the damn thing.

End Scene.

Small Life Rule sneaking in here:  Laugh whenever someone tells you that they're in the poker hall of fame.  Keep laughing until they walk away.  Life Rule #4444.

I would love to get into the nonsense known as the attending crowd but what's there to say?  People sit in the stands and watch poker.  Sure, that's sad, but we're talking about televised poker, so those at home watching are more miserable than a clown without his balloon animals.

Honestly folks, is there anything else quite like televised poker to remind us that TV consumption is getting out of hand (quite a stretch for another card joke)?  Go for a walk.  Mow the lawn, and then sit there for a few days and watch the grass grow back.  Do ANYTHING else other than watch poker on TV.  It deserves zero airtime.  Let the kids who have no issue gambling away their coin collection earnings go nuts!  

A neat little card joke would be delightful to wrap things up but the well has run dry kids.  My apologies.  Please take poker off the air.

Nighty night.

Edwin Starr.  Today We Boogie.

Edwin Starr. Today We Boogie.

Diana Ross.

Diana Ross.