"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

Life Rule #4948:  Drop the Microphone.  Quite Literally.

Life Rule #4948: Drop the Microphone. Quite Literally.

Well wouldn't you know it?  We've got another gripe to pull from the ever-growing pile of complaints surrounding cellular telephones.  Tonight we're going to shift our focus away from the unacceptable amount of time folks spend on their phones to how they actually use those little pocket devils.  

If you've spent as much time fidgeting with your nifty handheld device as I think you have, then you are likely aware of the audio recording capability offered as an alternative to manually sending a text message.  This socially awkward application allows you to speak into your cell's microphone, magically taking the belly button lint your vocal chords just threw up, and converting it all to text.  So, the essence of this particular practice is multifaceted.  First of all, you are a lazy bum.  You're lazier than the grocery shopper who decides they don't want something in their cart and treats said item like it were a ticking a time bomb.  You know the person because they're in your mirror, staring right back at you.  Oh, I'm guilty as charged, so don't think I'm not tossing myself into this bowl of mixed nuts.  Shit!  I don't want this bag of shredded cheddar cheese!  Dammit all, I'm at the other end of the store hanging out with the produce!  Wellllllll....no better relocation for this unwanted cheese than right next to the spinach!  Quick, wheel your cart away before someone witnesses the crime you just committed.  Yes, you're lazier than that person.  

You ARE nuts.  You're nuttier than that Planters Peanut.  You know the wack job of which I speak.  You're telling me you don't want to fuss with thumbing out a text message yet you refuse to take it so far as to actually CALL the person you've been communicating with?!  I implore you to take a step back from the heinous acts you've been involved in and realize how circus-clown-ridiculous you look.  You are speaking into your phone, hoping to relay some form of communication successfully to the party at the other end of the line.  We are all from the same world and in this world that's called a phone call.  Make it or break it, and when I say break it I mean your own arm.  Is there any other way I can make this sound more illogical?  You're speaking to your phone yet no one's listening on the other end.  Correction, no other HUMAN is listening.  Siri, or Catana, or whatever other crap fantasy name service providers are using these days to give your phone's voice "substance" does not count.  That wench never listens anyway.  Heed that advice, for you don't want to end up like THIS COUPLE.  Apple calls Siri an "intelligent assistant".  Can you believe that shovel full of squirrel shit?  I've only ever asked Siri to dial contacts from my phone and she might be batting .167, which means I benched her ass.  If that's an intelligent assistant then I suppose I'm Stephen Hawking's number one apprentice.  Come on.  Time to prop Siri up against a slowly spinning wheel and let Stevie Wonder throw knives at her.  He can sing his hit song Superstition to her while he hurls those daggers even though the irony would be lost on something that isn't human.  Oh well.  Chuck away, Stevie.  Chuck away.

Alright I'm jumping back into the ring.  Apologies for the tangent.  Nonsense breeds frustration folks.  If you are willing to speak to convey a message then for God's sake just fire up the call.  At this point you mine as well just record a video of you emitting your message via sign language.  Seems ridiculous, yes?  Well that's because it's insanely ridiculous but NOT quite as ridiculous as vocalizing your text messages.  How many times do you need to use the word ridiculous in a paragraph to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?  Four.  The answer is four, Mr. Owl.

Please stop speaking your text messages.  Either finger tap those words out or dial a number and talk to an actual human being rather than a microphone.  And there's my ask; Drop the mic.  Literally stop using the damn thing.

Tonight's message is brought to you by an audio recording converted to text.  We appreciate your compliance with this issue.  Good evening.





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