"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

Adult Recess.  Ring That Bell of Jubilee.

Adult Recess. Ring That Bell of Jubilee.

Tag.  You're it, sucker.  Set aside those math problems for an hour.  Those equations are a thing of the past.  The moment the ringing of that bell lets loose it's time to let the wild things play.  You've been cooped up in a classroom all morning.  There's a carryover game of dodge ball from yesterday which must claim a champion.  Allow the game to resume.  Recess is back on.

Ya know, I won't pretend to know that it feels good to be a gangster, but those Geto Boys were onto something cause damn....it felt good to be a kid.  Recess was our rudimentary version of Rome's coliseum.  Come one, come all!  For it is time you all witness the release of a child's capability for pure savagery.  Tag.  Red Rover.  Capture the Flag.  Dodge ball.  Four square.  Playground Olympics.  Prepare to represent your team with pride and courage for there is no room for the faint of heart on these grounds.  There were scores to settle.  Adolescent girls to impress.  Rivals to bury.  After all, we all needed SOMETHING to talk about during art class later in the afternoon.  What better topic could there be to discuss besides the pure domination you displayed out on the blacktop?  Geez, did you SEE the way he hurled that red rubber ball?  Vengeance hung heavy in the air.

As adults we've all experienced that stark reminder from time to time.  You're out driving around on a weekday, running errands, hauling ass to the next client meeting, making a last minute decision on a lunch option.  It's during those times you drive by a local school and are made aware of a flock of children swarming a jungle gym.  God, it's like a hive of bees.  Don't get too close, they might sting ya.  That, or the mom on duty might call the cops as a precautionary measure.  After all, she DID see you drive by slowly with a candy bar held tightly in your hand.  Carry on you daydreamer.  Those days are long gone. 

Alas, recess has always been tailored to the elementary school student and always will be.  Wait just a minute!  Does it forever and always have to be so?  Can someone not break the bonds of the mundane work day?  Sure, an argument could be made that weekends are for the adult.  There's your recess.  I say balderdash.  We need that midday reprieve.  And no, I speak not of the pathetic lunch break.  Hell, even those are hard to come by these days.  Unless you're out treating a prospective client there's NO TIME for lunch.  Eat at your desk you minion!  Give me a damn break.  Literally!  Give us all a break.  Utter bullshit.  Time to work the piranhas into a frenzy and raise the ridiculous notion of a Recess Revolution.

I want companies to start implementing adult recess.  I want funds dumped into the construction of an outdoor oasis.  Setup a four square court.  Give us a spiral slide.  Don't misinterpret please.  Sharing a neighboring park will not suffice.  Erect a playpen.  We need the release.  Kevin from procurement has been pissing me off all week.  I want one full hour's worth of time to take out my frustrations on his cranium.  Give me a ball and a pre-determined area/zone I can work within; one that poor Kevin can't escape.  There are lines that have been drawn in the sand Kevin.  Sure, you can run.  You can waddle.  But you will not succeed in outrunning my wrath.  You're going back to your stack of purchase orders with a fat lip and tear stained cheeks bub.  I want you to pray for an alternative competition come tomorrow's recess.  Fool.  Make yourself useful and go grab some Kleenex from the office supply closet you God damn basket case.  SAVAGE.  Embrace the brutality.

I'd also argue that productivity would soar if we were granted an adult recess.  Can you imagine?  Yes!  You can!  Do it now.  What an event we could all get behind and look forward to!  I'm going giddy just running through the potential now.  Shit, there you are walking through the parking lot shuffling and dragging your ass towards the office.  It's Tuesday and you're despising life.  What's on the docket for today?  A morning chock full of a disastrous power point gauntlet.  Super.  Just as you walk past the douche rag's parking spot who managed to snag "employee of the month" you contemplate calling in sick.  Sure, you're already on the premises but no one's noticed your presence up to this point.  Make a run for it!  Yikes.  That scene just sent shivers down my spine.  Been there and done that, no thank you very much.  Now flip that tale of darkness on its awful head and imagine strolling into the office knowing full well that halfway through your day there will be a break.  Take things a step further and realize that today's recess reprieve will host a chaotic match of Slip n' Slide Pickleball, and if you don't know what in the hell I'm talking about then I want you to strap cinder blocks to the bottom of your feet and go partake in the Running of the Bulls.  You need to die.

And sure, I understand that attention spans could potentially shrink by vast margins if recess were indeed introduced into our day to days, but that's hardly a hefty price to pay.  Is the goal of one's workday not to test our aptitude for escaping a carousel of fright?  Folks, please do not be mistaken.  Our jobs do not actually consist of that list of nonsense spoon fed to us prior to our being hired.  Nay, our JOB is to discover, and to maintain upon discovery, whatever means necessary to enter and exit the job without losing our souls.  In short order; jobs suck a hind tit.  They just do.  So, keeping THAT in mind, no one's paying attention during those bullshit presentations, HR meetings, birthday lunches, conferences with no apparent topic of discussion, and certainly not a company-wide "Rah Rah Let's Go Get 'Em" call.  Screw all that noise.  I mean....Congratulations, you've mastered Power Point!  Show me a pie chart reflecting the insurmountable victories I've accumulated over the last year from our companies daily HORSE competitions!  GO ON!  Show me the results!  I want to hear colleagues weep during those meetings.  At least then we'll squeeze a bit of emotion out of the zombies sitting around that conference table.

Let's dig further and pay a bit of attention to all those single folk out there.  What a golden opportunity we have here for the souls who yearn for an intimate connection.  Much like our younger years an adult recess would grant men and women the possibility of finding love.  You always thought Kate from accounting was cute yet you never could muster the courage to ask her out for a drink after work.  Well my friend, now's your chance.  No better way to swoon the affection of your love than through a vicious round of tether ball.  Show that girl the true meaning of skill.  If your hands can do that to a ball attached to a thin string tied atop a flimsy pole, force her to imagine what you could do in the sack!  Yikes.  You're on your way.

The benefits are bountiful.  You can use recess as a platform for further embarrassment.  No one likes the sales guys.  When they're not out covering clients in their slime they're busy dousing the office with stories about where they got their newest pastel tie or wingtip shoes.  Screw those tools.  Take it to them outdoors.  Trent might have been a star on the high school varsity basketball team (or so says the patch on the letter jacket he keeps at his desk), but how would he fair in a game of Red Rover?  Close line that bitch.  Better yet.  Spin up a pickup game of flag football and deliberately pick that ass clown last.  Even if he's good he's already been mentally forked.  He'll never be the same.  Don't let him forget it.  Now he'll forever remember what it feels like to get spanked out on the turf rather than getting physically spanked by a wooden paddle one of his fraternity brothers is holding.

Believe me when I tell you that your life outside of work would be altered for the better as well.  We all dread that conversation when we stumble through the door after yet another mundane workday. 

"How was your day?" 

"Eh, it was fine."

....meaning, I contemplated shoving my head into a toilet bowl just to see how long I could hold my breath or whether or not I even wanted to come up for air.  No longer will those back and forth's take place!  Insert recess into your weekdays and witness your personal dialogue shift dramatically. 

"My day was great honey!  You should have seen me out on that playground!  I was spitting up wood chips like a God damn beaver.  I could not be stopped.  I wasn't ONCE tagged today.  No one came close.  I was a phantom.  I rode that high right into my afternoon review with my boss, demanded a raise and got that pay increase.  Everyone started calling me "He who shall not be tagged".  I'm a fucking wizard!" 

A sultry session of intercourse is sure to follow that exchange.  Bask in the glory.  Because work is just that: work.  No one WANTS to do that shit 345 days a year (I took off 20 days to accommodate for the average sliver of time off people are granted along with any paid holidays).  Sadness.  And can we all ignore the 0.8% of people who "love" their jobs because it's forever and always been their dream.  Yes, you are absolutely tasting the bitterness in my words towards those yahoos.  On one hand, good for them.  Nay, GREAT for them.  Proud of you assholes for aiming at a goal and drilling the bull's eye.  On the other hand, you ARE assholes.  Go on ahead and live in dream world, just stop attempting to rescue us from our nightmares.  We're all partying through Hell together.  We don't need ya.

Guys, some of life's ingredients boil down to this: we're simple creatures.  We weren't put together or created to endure 12 hour days staring through the soft glow of a computer screen while the fluorescent lights hovering above our cube farms meticulously cook us over the course of our adult lives.

We need lungfuls of that sweet oxygen.  We need to gather among our inner circles, lay our animal instincts out to bare, and establish alpha dominance.  Or perhaps it's as simple as just needing to whip out a quick round of jump rope.  And what would you rather do?  Well, while you're thinking about your answer (which you really shouldn't have to) I can tell everyone else right now that you'd take a rip roaring game of hopscotch over adding ANOTHER tab to that hellish excel report.  Pivot tables anyone?  HA!  Pivot on your heels and go gobble up a balloon knot.  

Time for us to relish in the games they tell you are strictly meant for kids.  It's our turn.  Take another :30 out of your day to WATCH THIS classic scene from Billy Madison and tell me you didn't giggle the entire way through.  Shit, all we'd need to make that day an absolute success is a little leftover Halloween candy and a smooch on the cheek from the prettiest girl in class (or more accurately the office for our purposes).

Rally you rambunctious rascals!  Let's add "adult recess" to the ever-growing list of Hail Mary requests sent out to our managers/bosses/catfish anuses!  We deserve this one.  WE NEED THIS ONE.

Shit....I think I hear the bell.  Time to wrap it up and get to pressin' that nose back on the grindstone.  See you out on the blacktop again real soon.

G' night.  



Doctor Dolittle Couldn't Talk His Way Out of this One.

Doctor Dolittle Couldn't Talk His Way Out of this One.

The Manners Monster:  Let Him Out To Play

The Manners Monster: Let Him Out To Play