"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

Pin the Tail On the Donkey.

Pin the Tail On the Donkey.

No matter the outcome, we all almost always lose. The only way that Pin the Tail On the Donkey entertains is if the blindfolded participant manages to insert his/her pin into a neglectful bystander. Wouldn’t we all share a hearty full-bellied laugh while the victim ran around screaming? You would. I would. We’d all laugh for ice cream. Wait a minute, that’s not how that goes….

I was tempted to delve directly into the never-ending black hole that is the Internet to seek out an explanation, but I’d rather play a little spin-off of Hide N’ Go Seek. What we seek is a reasonable explanation relating to the origins of Pin the Tail; what’s hiding is that very answer. Make sense so far? Didn’t think so, and don’t care. What I care about is having fun guessing just who or what in the hell came up with this theatrical display of barbarianism. Pin the tail on an animal we already knew had a tail to begin with. Huh. Does its conception go back far enough to dare assume some sycophant had a donkey who either lost a tail, or who’s owner (the same creeper) removed the tail, just to fabricate a game of connecting the lost extremity back onto that poor animal? I refuse to believe such witchcraft. You cannot tell me some conjurer of the dark arts had donkey tail on their list of ingredients, proceeded to drop it into a cauldron, whereupon realizing that the desired spell had not reached it full potential, only to remove that same tail and decided to attach it back onto the rear of that poor jackass. There’s no damn way.

Perhaps our answer lies in the Hundred Acre Wood. Yup, I’m talking about Eeyore. Haven’t you always wondered why that stuffed sack of shit has a rain cloud hovering over his head? Well it just might have something to do with someone (looking at you Christopher Robin) driving a nail into his rear end. That act alone warrants outrage, however what if I were to tell you the nail’s purpose was to reconnect a body part that ALREADY belonged on his body! Time to take a trip to the Imagination Station!

What if you’d lost an arm, and instead of an experienced surgeon sewing that puppy back on, you became the lucky (or rather unlucky) recipient of a nailed on arm, driven into your body by some overdosed sugar-crazed adolescent with a blindfold to guide his direction? You better hope that your other arm is the “good arm” because you’ll need something to hold up that umbrella while you’re followed around by a relentless rainstorm; either that or adopt Rihanna’s hit song “Umbrella” and own the misfortunes that have been bestowed upon you.

Quick side note: Let’s talk about hammering that nail in one extra, and quite unnecessary, time. Eeyore has a bow tied to the end of his tail! A true mark of the beast if I’ve ever seen one. Poor bastard.

Of course none of these explanations calm the perplexity of why we compliment birthday parties with a game of Pin the Tail On the Donkey. As a matter of fact, it’s got the beginnings of begging the question as to where half of the “traditional” celebratory games even originate. Sack races? Running around with an egg in a spoon? I’m losing my mind, and I’d be doing my brain a disservice by pursuing the meaning behind all of this cockamamie.

Let’s just leave it here: Pinning the tail on a donkey, let alone ANY animal, is a sick game. Eeyore deserves our sympathy and five minutes alone with Christopher Robin, a nail gun, and a fifth of bourbon.

Save the donkeys….race around in a burlap sack.

Ridiculous Slogans:  Obey Your Common Sense

Ridiculous Slogans: Obey Your Common Sense

Jogging In Place.  Stop It.

Jogging In Place. Stop It.