Things I Do Not Care For; Nor Should You.
I’ve encountered a string of unfortunate circumstances sharing a common theme: they all irritate me. Two of the situations involve a sick game of hide and seek, one is just an end-of-the-day deflation of my well being, and the fourth is akin to Edward Scissor Hands dragging his cutlery across a chalk board. Let’s start with the “Where’s Waldo’s” of real life….
Socks and Tupperware. We begin at the feet.
How is it that on the seemingly perilous journey from dryer to dresser, our socks manage to pull a better disappearing act than Richard Simmons ever could? Too soon? I have more mismatched socks laying around than a puppeteer. By the way, who ever deduced that using sweat soaked cotton, used to cover a foot, should then have tiny eyeballs stuck to it, slipped onto a hand, and used to trick kids into thinking it can communicate with them? I eat with those hands mister. You disgust me. Lamb Chopping aside, who’s responsible for all these missing socks?! I refuse to blame myself. I know for a fact that two identical socks went into my dryer at the same time, yet only one of the twins comes out the other end. There must be an illusion of life I’m not privy to, otherwise I’ve got elves hiding in my appliances stealing socks they re-purpose to manufacture little hats for other elves to use. Perhaps the dryer requires a sacrifice for every cycle I put it through, and that offering is socks. Couldn’t any one of these imaginary culprits have chosen another article of clothing? It’s the ONE thing in my drawer I need two of. If I lose a shirt, I lose a shirt. A pair of pants goes missing? Odd, but oh well. Now if I started losing just one pant leg at a time, we’ll have to launch an investigation.
Speaking of investigating, let’s begin piecing together the puzzle that is the Tupperware drawer. I have no issue with shouldering a portion of the blame for this common mishap, because that drawer is NEVER organized. If I were smart, I’d keep the tops and bottoms separated, and that simple solution happens about as often as the Detroit Lions win playoff games. Yet for every dedicated spring cleaning day we put ourselves through, I find that after all the time spent reorganizing that damn plastic Rubik’s cube, I’m always left with a few missing parts. And you know very well that a piece of Tupperware without its corresponding lid is about as worthless as tits on a boar. Ya know what else is infuriating? How much money we’ll spend on Tupperware in our lifetimes. Think about that for a tick. It’s the one kitchen item we’re constantly borrowing or offering to our family/friends in exchange for the safe passage of leftovers. You never see that shit again, do you? It’s the main reason I never buy the “quality” Rubbermaid. Why bother? It’s like a child; they’re going to move out of the house at some point in your life. Purchase cheap. Lesson learned.
Now I’m going to play a little hopscotch with you and take things back to the world of linens. How many times have you done a load of laundry for your bed sheets only to forget that you’d actually done a load of laundry for your bed sheets? And by the time you realized those sheets were still in the dryer, it was too late. I’m ashamed to count off every instance where I’ve stood at the edge of our bed staring at a mattress of tragedy, and it’s ALWAYS when I’m ready to call it a night. Not only that; it’s usually one of those days where you’re just physically and emotionally drained and you want nothing more than to lay your head down. Think again compadre; you’ve got a bed to make. It’s also during these occasions where you’ve decided to be a real go-getter and wash the duvet cover, too. And we all know how fun it is to stuff that bitch back into place. Hell, I get awfully close to having to rewash my sheets after all the crying I do while putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. With full transparency, I’ve been in this particular situation before and given up. I just curl up in that exposed comforter, lay down on that bare desert of a mattress, and hibernate til morning comes. I’m not proud of it, but sometimes you have to be gracious in defeat.
Last, and definitely least, the annoying laugh. It’s a bit out of place here, but indulge me for today (like most days). We have all heard one, or worse yet, know someone with one. Annoying laughs kill more living things than Weed-B-Gone. I’m aware that it’s a bit unfair to pick on a quality someone has which they have no control over, but someone’s got to bitch about it, right? Or let me ask it this way; would it be too much to request that those with unbearable chuckles stifle those noises just a tad? Take one for the team! Let us all enjoy the boisterously merry moment without you coming in with that audible sickle of sadness. There are a colorful array of laughs that makes my skin crawl right off my body in search of the deepest hole it can bury itself in. There’s the Sloth laugh, which is a frightful combination of dumb and loud. Then you have the sprinkler system, which, outside of sounding like an actual sprinkler, comes across like a snake stopping its hiss mid slither (here’s a fifteen minute example), over and over again. Now I’ve been lucky enough to have never heard anyone laugh like Skeletor, but I’m guessing that dealing with an annoying laugh such as his would be the least of your concerns at that given moment. I’d be more worried about how I was going to get out of the dungeon he had me locked in.
So that’s that for today’s episode! We need to get to the bottom of the Sock Snatcher and the Tupperware Tease; we need to lock it down when cleaning our sleeping apparatuses; and we have to stop telling jokes around folks who sound like someone’s letting air out of a balloon in short bursts.