Laughable Lyrics: The Third Installment
We’ve returned for another run at a ridiculously written tune! THIS puppy is nothing short of a gem. If for whatever reason you find yourself reading this article, I can only presume you were alive in 1999 when there existed a band who initially went by the name LFO (short for Lyte Funkie Ones). LYTE….FUNKIE….ONES. Although we’re not here to pick on band names themselves, I think we can all agree that anytime the words lyte, funkie, and ones are used subsequently, someone is going to get made fun of. Sounds like the “band” later found the error in their ways and kept things short with just LFO.
What we’re all here to have a little fun with is the maddeningly catchy tune “Summer Girls.” There are more potholes in this song than a road in the Midwest after a long winter season. Quite often you can deduce the severity of a song’s incongruous nature through its opening line. LFO does not disappoint in this regard.
“New Kids On the Block had a bunch of hits.” Short answer? No they didn’t.
Officially the aforementioned lie is not the first lyric to this song, however we will not count the repetitive nature by which the band keeps asking their mystery girl if she remembers the summer they met. I’ll take it one step further. If this song was written as a solution to one of those “missed connections”, where folks go online to try and pinpoint what THEY perceived as a chance romantic encounter, only to find themselves left in the dust, then LFO will not be receiving a call back.
Let’s tackle the overall premise of this song. Those crazy LFO boys just loooove when the girls stop by “FOR THE SUMMER.” Are we all attending the same kids’ camp? When else is a girl just stopping by for the summer? I’d think that the only conceivable scenario is when a family member (cousin, step-sister) stays with your family for a lovely summer visit. If that’s the case, it would give this song a much more melancholic vibe. Come to think of it, this song has to be about children. There are multiple mentions of these same girls wearing Abercrombie & Fitch. I’m old enough to have thought that God damn store didn’t even exist anymore! I haven’t seen, let alone walked into, one of those Devil’s dens in decades. Who over 16 wears that shit? Let’s keep at it; who makes the conscious decision to continue shopping at a place that attempts to lure potential patrons with ALIVE half naked human beings in underwear? So now we’ve solved a piece of the puzzle. Apparently LFO appreciates girls who wear cargo pants and puka shell necklaces. Now, you should see a picture somewhere among this mess of words. That would be a shot of an Abercrombie store opening somewhere in Europe. I don’t know what to say.
Alright, enough of with that high school cafeteria scene. Why don’t we touch on some of the recognizable figures LFO mentions as they stumble through their “love ballad”? Willie Whistle. I had no idea who in the hell that was as I’m sure most of you didn’t. Let THIS VIDEO refresh whatever public service announcement memory you’ve held onto. Willie Whistle. WOW.
Glad they didn’t forget to mention Larry Bird and his jersey, either! Yet that’s just the beginning to the madness. Before you know it, the fellas just start stating facts. Macaulay Culkin was in Home Alone. Uh huh….who DIDN’T know that? Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton. Come on crew, dig deep here. Get past Teen Wolf. Think TV. Family Ties. Fictional character. Hey! Guess who’s not fictional? William Shakespeare. LFO attempts to get historical with us and they fail miserably. Too bad there aren’t any lyrics explaining how all three flunked out of social studies. They call him BILLY SHAKESPEARE in the song! Amazing. Don’t bother trying to catch your breath after that snafu, because right on the heels of good old Billy comes Paul Revere, who, according to LFO, was a good man. Thanks for the insight team.
Remember when I told you this song had to be written about a kid? Well, we find out later in the song that this girl likes Fun Dip and Cherry Coke. Must be Wilfred Brimley’s kid because she’s the conductor of the diabetes train if both Fun Dip AND soda pop are in her diet. Do ya like the nickel refills on your extra large movie theater popcorn too sweetheart? Good God. I don’t know how old these guys were when they wrote this song, but it better have been young. This tune didn’t belong at the top of the charts, it belonged on a piece of construction paper pinned against a refrigerator door. School project ace in the hole.
Now I’m going to need to suggest that everyone find a seat before they read this next chunk of change. These little delinquents mention another popular celebrity figure yet trash one of his greatest accomplishments. Kevin Bacon. You know him; we all love him. Footloose. Who doesn’t want to ride tractors and dance?! LFO goes on to tell us that they like Mr. Bacon but that they hate Footloose. Well boys, I hope you like getting taken behind the woodshed as much as you like summer girls, because that’s where you’re getting taken to get those sinning words beaten out of you. Hate Footloose….give me a break.
And so it goes. The rest of the song, or rather the entire song, is comprised of objects just named in random order. Ruby red slippers, trees, macaroni and cheese, and a fun fact that peaches grow in Georgia. Who knew?!
I’m going to leave you with my favorite line, and truly the epitome of this jumbled mess of a ransom note written by a 12 year old:
“Boogaloo Shrimp and pogo sticks.”