"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

Jogging In Place.  Stop It.

Jogging In Place. Stop It.

Today I’d like to discuss jogging; specifically, jogging in place. Wait….what?! Yes, it happens. The why is a bit more unclear, but who can say for certain what’s going on in the mind of a nut job who finds it acceptable to participate in the motion of running while literally gaining zero ground?

Attribute it to the guys who balance their bikes while at a stoplight, for it’s the same concept. Ludicrous. You’ve seen these circus clowns. Some dude’s whizzing down the street on his fixie whilst his deliberately groomed handlebar mustache quivers in the wind. Our environmentally conscious cyclist approaches a red light. Now way back in 1986, through the majesty of song, Huey Lewis told us that it was hip to be square. This hipster version of Lance Armstrong either wasn’t born yet (likely), or has decided that it’s still daring to stray from the norm (even more likely), because he’s figured that it’s just as safe wearing one of those comical little cycling beanies as it might be to wear an actual helmet. And just like that, strike one comes and goes. So we now know he’s dumb enough to bypass safety for fear of not looking rogue enough. His next move has to have baffled millions around the globe, and I know most of you have witnessed the “trick”. Instead of gradually coming to a stop like any other normal cyclist or operator of an automobile, this daredevil decides it’s too radical NOT to stay saddled to the bike while not moving. No foot down on the ground for balance, just a guy on his bike with BOTH feet on the pedals….not moving an inch (unless of course you count his back and forth adjustments of the front wheel to avoid the inevitable topple)….just standing up and showing us all that if he wanted to, he could be riding a unicycle down the road. What these particular jesters have failed to realize is that no one cares, nor have they ever cared. Tricks are for kids, hoe bag. And I just took a wee bit longer than I cared to to explain to you all how inconsequential THOSE dildos are. But….

I had to get through that spiel in order for y’all to gain some context around the immovable cyclist and his cousin, the frozen-in-time jogger.

Trace their ancestry back a few branches and you’ll see that both of these morons originate from the same breed of disaster. Listen, no one’s knocking you getting out there and banging out a run. That shit is good for you and I’m happy to see someone value their fitness instead of opting for the easier route of binge watching another Netflix series. HOWEVER, you lost me when you were halted at a traffic light, and instead of catching your breath and perhaps stretching a few muscles, you’ve decided that the motion of running cannot be terminated under any circumstances. You quite literally continue jogging….yet you’re going NOWHERE! I cannot fathom there being a traffic light anywhere out there long enough to warrant a runner needing to “stay warm”. Just hold your horses and catch some air. You look plain silly. I comprehend this one just about as much as the standstill bike. Are you afraid that in the :30 seconds leading up to a light change you’ll potentially forget the skills required to run and/or jog? You won’t. For runners, it’s in our DNA; everyone can figure that shit out. For cyclists, recall the phrase “It’s like riding a bike.” Once you’ve learned, you’re good to go. Speaking of, we’ll leave today’s installment short. Relax out there on the road to wherever you’re going, and if you feel the need to jog in place, perhaps think about moving forward….into oncoming traffic. Later gators.

Pin the Tail On the Donkey.

Pin the Tail On the Donkey.

Laughable Lyrics:  The Third Installment

Laughable Lyrics: The Third Installment