"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

Life Rule #0004.  Mentos....The Freshmaker.

Life Rule #0004. Mentos....The Freshmaker.

First off, I'd request that you watch the following video in its entirety.  That's correct.  Seven straight minutes of fresh-making bliss.  I would challenge any notion resulting in you NOT feeling a wee bit more sunshine on your shoulders.  Amazing how a slim paper cylinder filled with chewy mints could turn one's frown upside down, yet the concept seems a bit childish, which is really a portion of the overall point; silly, goofy, nonsensical fun.  The scenarios portrayed in these advertisements couldn't miss the mark of reality any further.  Who cares?  Use these "life lessons" as a stepping stone toward your very own personal happiness.  Or, better yet, why don't we call a few of these radical dilemmas to center stage and pry a little more fun out of them?  Time to make some freshness....

Let's start with The Paint Suit.  Our victim sits down for what is seemingly some pre-meeting prep work only to find a fresh coat of paint to take in with his charts and graphs.  Bummer.  Or maybe it's pure laziness on the painter's part.  No warning sign pal?  And who the hell paints benches anymore?  Fear not!  Our knight in shining paint rolls around like a fish out of water for a few seconds and just like that, he's looking finer than a floor model at Men's Warehouse.  Everyone's gonna make fun of the way you look....I guarantee it.

Moving on.  The Broken Shoe.  Now this poor gal was just strolling down the block looking fine as hell when out of the blue one of her heels takes a nosedive, and now she's hobbling around worse than an emperor penguin on the last leg of its migration ritual.  Then we have some chump sitting off to the side just watching all of these unfortunate incidents unfold!  What a bum.  But it's fine.  She doesn't need any help from the peanut gallery.  She just lops off the other heel and whisks herself away in her newly acquired flats.  And if that were to happen today?  Well, first things first.  Our chump would probably still just sit tight, although instead of a suit and spectacles, he'd be draped in an Arcade Fire t-shirt sipping on some concoction HE calls coffee, while reading a weathered copy of A Clockwork Orange.  She didn't need him then and she doesn't need him now.  Freshness made.

Next we have Boyfriend.  Every teen's worst nightmare: being caught whilst playing a little grab ass.  Kudos for the kid making it all the way to his girlfriend's bedroom IN BROAD DAYLIGHT.  I didn't see the wheelbarrow he carries his brass bowling balls around in, did you?  Must have left it at the bottom of the staircase.  Also, let's dole out a few more kudos while we're at it.  Cheers to the days of old when kids only ever got around to necking.  If that scene were shot today, knowing kids and their rampant sexual promiscuity, I think we'd have to replace those Mentos with a bottle of Plan B.  Yet like any youngster with a sharp mind and a drive to find creative escape routes out of any one of life's obnoxious obstacles, our little damsel in temporary distress was two steps ahead of mom and pop with the classic, "Let's dress this male intruder up like one of my girlfriends" routine.  Freshness achieved.

Through the Car.  Now this gem is simply doltish.  We are taken to a scene at a crosswalk where our fashionable crew of pals, wearing entirely too much denim, are preparing to launch themselves across the road, when out of nowhere a car pulls up to within a pubic hair of the bumper in front of him.  Fiddlesticks.  What ever shall the child left behind do?  Well, he's wearing an unbuttoned jean shirt over a tucked in red shirt and his sleeves are rolled up.  He can do whatever he pleases.  So what DOES our astute denim Sherlock Holmes do to solve this mystery?  The answer isn't what you'd think, which is for him to simply walk around the car, meet back up with his clearly unworried pals, and skip off down the sidewalk continuing on their merry way.  Nope.  The Patrick Swayze of Mentos ads hops into some Wall Street dick bag's Lincoln Continental and slides right on through the backseat to the other side.  Genius.  Real shame though is that I thought for sure our quick-witted SOB would have taken some time to snatch the driver's first-ever-made block cell phone to call his girlfriend and tell her he's heading over for some action.  No question that fella grew up to become MacGuyver.  Freshness completed.

The Airport.  I decided to call out this ad specifically for the attire, for it was while watching this ad that I noticed a reoccurring theme:  there's denim splattered all over these Mentos ads!  It's almost as if the founder of Mentos happened to be the majority shareholder of Levis as well.  Pay particular attention to the "star" of this specific ad.  Look familiar?  This gal is wearing an IDENTICAL outfit to our New York beach bum from the previous ad!  Jeans, red shirt, and denim button-down.  It's not too good to be true because it's both true....and good.  Although our little minty whippersnapper doesn't have quite the crisp moves as our previous contestants, she still manages to outwit that old hooker who sniped her bag cart in the beginning of the clip.  We'll let it slide.  Freshness unlocked.

The Rock Concert.  Don't look now.  We've got more denim shirts accompanied by red undershirts.  If these commercials teach us anything it's that we should all have a denim button-down in our closets.  They seem to be reality's version of a Superman cape.  Want to wiggle your way out of life's silly little predicaments?  Just walk your ass right out the front door wearing one of those puppies and you're all set.  In regards to the ad, this kid pulls a quick one on the ticket booth lady.  Shucks!  Sold out show?  No problem.  Let me just squeeze through the fence, pose as one of the band's roadies, and grab the ONE instrument that none of them plays....a keyboard.  Honestly, he should have been stopped in his tracks right there.  At least pick up a guitar case or play it off as though you're an actual member of the band.  You've already got the jean jacket on.  You're halfway there buddy.  Fresh was gained in that moment.  That guy didn't deserve the 'ness'.

Car Movers.  Denim vest.  Giant men in jean overalls moving tiny cars.  Freshness accomplished.

The Mall.  This one flat out befuddles me.  You've got an old lady, in denim, chasing after a young man in the mall.  My stab in the dark draws the kid up as the woman's son or perhaps his grandmother?  Either way, the kid's an asshole for trying to ditch a loved one for fear of being embarrassed in front of his friends....AT THE MALL.  After he hoodwinks the poor woman she simply smiles and shakes her umbrella at him.  She better take that device out later and lash him across the back of the legs when he gets home.  That kid doesn't deserve to hold a pack of Mentos, let alone pop one into his disappointing face.  Zero freshness gained.

Restaurant.  No denim.  No freshness made.

Ripped Dress.  Perhaps our one and only ad where the true Freshmaker doesn't even handle a stick of Mentos.  Either that chick's date is getting laid tonight or the lady who was eye-slamming her from across the red carpet is gonna want to bump donuts later on in the evening.  So I suppose everyone win's in this sick little scenario I just dreamt up.  If the woman who was holstering the Mentos had an endgame resulting in her going home with the entire crowd then she just cast a spell upon us with her wand of freshness.  Count it.

Changing Room.  Da Da Da Da DENIM!!!!  The magic has once again been restored.  We had a brief hiatus but you simply cannot hold back that wonderful fabric for long.  What's creepier?  The chick who changes in a tiny teepee in the middle of a retail shop, or the giant man/woman observing ghoulishly from her changing room?  In matters not.  The chick shed her denim outfit, and for that she's lost all opportunity to grasp freshness.

The last clip is stunning and neither deserves nor warrants an explanation.  Just watch.

And that's that for the silliness this evening kids!  What to take away from all that mint?  Live silly.  Make the most out of any situation you may find yourself in.  Lastly....always, ALWAYS keep some denim handy.

Now go make some freshness. 


Crunchy or Creamy Peanut Butter?

Crunchy or Creamy Peanut Butter?

Doctor Dolittle Couldn't Talk His Way Out of this One.

Doctor Dolittle Couldn't Talk His Way Out of this One.