Laughable Lyrics: The Second Installment
And we're back! Allow me to welcome you to another round of our utterly delicious segment we've deemed Laughable Lyrics! Here's the scoop: we select a random song we've deemed nothing short of insane, based upon the lyrics which constitute said tune. Make sense? Pull up the tune of choice and give it a quick listen so you’re in the proper mindset for our little activity. Today’s subject: The Ghostbuster’s Theme Song by Ray Parker, Jr.
Parker actually has a rather impressive resume as he’s worked with the likes of Marvin Gaye, Stevie Wonder, and Bill Withers, to name a few. Additionally, he’s a Detroit man so pile on some extra bonus points. Ray will need all the help he can get once we start picking apart his ghoulish take on an American classic.
Make no mistake, this is one of the catchiest tunes out there. Who ya gonna call? The radio station, because I want them to play that shit AGAIN! And then, after multiple repeats, you realize that you want absolutely nothing to do with that song until the next Halloween rolls around. And that’s what it’s become, a Halloween song. I don’t think it’s a shame, either. I mean, the damn song is about ghosts in a movie about….you guessed it: ghosts.
What I don’t understand is Ray’s approach to singing about these apparitions. Let’s get nonsensical and start with the age old question, “Who ya gonna call?”
Couple questions come to mind. WHY would we call anyone in the first place? No one’s going to help us if/when we find ourselves in a situation where a ghost is present. And yes, that definitely includes those BONERS on the Discovery Channel who “chase” ghosts. What a porcelain bowl full of shit. Those slugs should be turned into ghosts. Killed, you guys. They should be killed. OK, next question: WHO would we actually call? Again, no one can help us and almost no one is going to believe us. Strike two. Third question: HOW would you call? I ask this question because if I saw a ghost I’d be busy using one hand to cover my mouth in a vain attempt at stifling a scream while the other hand unsuccessfully tried to keep a shit from filling up my pants.
Let’s get a bit more practical with the situation and the oft repeated question Mr. Parker keeps asking us. We have to burst a few bubbles out there and let everyone know that The Ghostbusters do not exist. I’m sorry. After failing to diffuse that knowledge bomb we’ll have to answer the question logically. Who ARE you going to call? Instead of constantly answering the same question over and over with the same response, let’s make SOMETHING real out of this song….Go ahead and think about how you’d answer Ray’s scenarios in the real, rational world. See our substitute answers for “Ghostbusters” in bold below:
If there's something strange in your neighborhood. Who ya gonna call? The police.
If there's something weird, and it don't look good. Who ya gonna call? The doctor.
If you're seeing things running through your head. Who you gonna call? Your psychologist.
An invisible man sleeping in your bed. Who you gonna call? Again, your psychologist. Unless of course your creepy uncle has convinced you that he’s an invisible man sleeping in your bed. Then you need to scream for your parents.
Hey that was fun! But old Raymond isn’t done just yet. He wants to let us know that in fact he ISN’T afraid of no ghosts. Brilliant. On top of that, he’s apparently a closet medium as he hints at possessing the ability to speak to these apparitions. I’m merely making an assumption here because after he tells us that HE isn’t afraid of no ghosts, he also hears that they like the girls. Hmmmm, go on Ray, go on. He doesn’t go on. All he does is say “Yea yea yea yea!” Forgive me for being mildly skeptical, but how does that dialogue shake out?
Ghost (getting ready to walk through the wall and scare the shit out of Ray): BOO!
Ray: Oh, hey. I’m not sure if you knew this, but I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.
Ghost: Oh really? Dammit. There goes a wasted spooking. Well, I really like what you’ve done with your home. It truly is lovely.
Ray: Why thank you. I’ll make sure to tell my wife you approve. So, what brings you here besides an attempt at getting me to jump out of my socks?
Ghost: Nothing much besides that, really. Just making the neighborhood rounds. You know how it goes.
Ray: I sure do pal. I sure do (even though he doesn’t have a clue). Well, I’m sorry to spoil your fun this evening. There’s got to be something else you like besides scaring innocent bystanders.
Ghost: As a matter of fact, there is! I LIKE GIRLS!
Ray (chuckles): I hear that, too!
Ghost (almost a bit to enthusiastically): Also, bustin’ makes me feel good!
Ray: We’re on the same page partner. Tell you what, let’s write a song about this little interaction.
And there you have it. Ray’s cherry on top of this frightening fantasy is his confession that BUSTIN’……..makes him feel good. There we were, tip-toeing our way through one haunted house after another and then BOO! We’re talking about how BUSTIN’……..makes us feel good. I’ll give Ray all the credit in the world for that last line. He almost scared me as much as any ghoulish ghost could. See Ray, we all like bustin’. We all like bustin’ just as much as plants like sunlight. No need to write a song about ghosts and embed your little pleasures deep within the content. But I get it. Shout it from the rooftops pal! Just don’t call me when you’re done. I don’t need to hear about it.
Yea yea yea yea!