Ridiculous Slogans: Obey Your Common Sense
These days I don’t find myself indulging in much network television, which is where I foolishly thought most advertisements hung out in waiting. With today’s ease of accessibility via our mobile devices and the laundry list of streaming services, you knew it only had to be a matter of time. The evil eye is ever-watchful. You truly have to be a grade A moron to take the bait from any one add, from any one industry. Let’s find out why!
We’re going to start out with the blatant liars:
Sprite: Obey Your Thirst. Alright, for any pop (yes, it’s fucking pop, NOT soda) manufacturer to claim that their product “quenches” your thirst is outrageous. Implying that I’m thirsty would first and foremost suggest that dehydration is a concern. Strike one for pop. My ass isn’t experiencing all of the added benefits of water consumption through a 12oz can of camel piss. Go on, go dig into all of the advantages drinking an appropriate amount of water does for your body. Speaking of bodies, roughly 60% of ours are made up of WATER. Blood accounts for 90%. Do you know what’s in a pop? Sugar. Enough sugar, in fact, to have you shaking like a leaf on a tree. Strike two against pop. Sprite’s slogan should really be, Sprite: In the off chance you want to shimmy like Tickle Me Elmo. One 12oz of that garbage brings along 38g of sugar. Congratulations, you’ve almost eclipsed your daily intake. The sad yet almost inevitable truth about that aforementioned fact is most Americans opting in on the pop option are consuming WAY more than 12oz in any given day. Do the math, your sugar grams just keep on a climbing. Hey! How about another alternative Sprite slogan? Sprite: Obey Your Diabetes. Obey. Come on. What a bold verb. Let’s review pop’s strike three before we move on. I’d like to circle back on another common ailment brought on by dehydration: high blood sugar. Anyone seeing a common theme there? Sugar’s involved. Now I don’t know about any of you, but one of the best ways to curb high blood sugar is to introduce MORE sugar into your diet. You’re out, Sprite. Ah but wait! Let’s put some frosting on that cupcake! One more hilarity surrounding Sprite? Ever notice the spokesperson Sprite’s used in the past? Athletes. I’ll let y’all run with that juxtaposition. Onward!
Folgers: The Best Part of Waking Up Is Folgers In Your Cup. I beg to differ. The best part of waking up is Folgers being nonexistent. Folgers should pivot and start marketing their coffee cans as urns for hillbillies. Why spread coffee grounds into your filter when you can spread your cousin’s ashes atop his favorite lawnmower?
Wal-Mart: Save Money. Live Better. Wow. Well, you got the first part right Wal-Mart, I’ll let you have that one. But live “better”? Have you been inside a Wal-Mart? I know the answer is yes. It’s fine. We’ve all done it. But how can a company tell me I’m going to “live better” when the moment I walk into any one of their establishments I have to go get a tetanus shot? Do you know what I think those blue vest-wearing greeters should be saying as we walk by? “Don’t go in. Turn around. Keep your dignity, and your skin from breaking out in a rash we have yet to identify.” For now I’ll stick to saving my life.
Fast food is quickly creating an eighth circle of Hell; one that Dante could have never predicted. What I will say is that making a conscious decision to consume fast food will have you experiencing each one of the original seven circles in very short order. Let’s order up a few value meals!
Taco Bell: Think Outside the Bun. Funny you should mention buns Taco Bell, because all I can think about is how bad mine are going to burn after eating ANY of the slop you push across the register in my general direction. Clever? Sure, but I’m looking for a bit more honesty. Take a more direct approach here T. Bell. Try this one on for size. Taco Bell: Think About Wearing a Diaper. Have another! Taco Bell: Think About Your Future. You all know what you’re getting yourself into when you eat that shit….Yup. Shit.
Friday’s: In Here, It’s Always Friday. Boldfaced liars! Substitute your days of the week. Friday’s: In Here, It’s Always Monday. At least that slogan strikes a proper chord. No one wants to be there. No one actually likes it. When was the last time you truly relished a Monday that wasn’t a holiday? Friday’s is the “National Hug Day” of holidays, because we’re all sitting around wondering why it exists.
Dairy Queen: Hot Eats & Cool Treats. Nope. Try Hot Shits & Cool Baby Wipes. You’re going to get one of those and need the other. Who in their right mind orders anything from DQ besides ice cream! Don’t answer that please. I’m wagering a bet that it’s the same folks who’d use a Folgers can as an urn.
Arby’s: We Have the Meats. Do you Arby? Do you REALLY have the “meats”? I beg to differ yet again. Can one who offers a special of five sandwiches for $5 really call their product meat? For Christ Sake, you have a condiment called Horsey Sauce. HORSEY SAUCE. That right there leads me to believe my “roast beef” sandwich is the reason Mr. Ed went off the air. We’re eating horse meat.
Well we all know that this list could grow taller than Jack’s beanstalk, but I don’t feel like going to visit the giant. We’ll call it a wrap for today and circle the wagons on another goofy topic another day. Enjoy the weekends you wild and wacky kids!