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Laughable Lyrics:  The Fourth Installment

Laughable Lyrics: The Fourth Installment

OK. Deep breaths everybody. This one shouldn’t take too long, but who am I to say? On second thought, I quite literally AM the one to say, considering I’m publishing this article. Let’s see where we can take this one! For starters, picture yourselves in a restaurant setting….

If you flip through our Laughable Lyrics menu you’ll notice that tonight’s main course is none other than everyone’s favorite Mouseketeer: Britney Spears (whose name gets me thinking about pickles). Your options of sides for this meal consist of undesirable music, incoherent lyrics, Zoolander-style wardrobes, live snakes, and for dessert….a shaved head complimenting the rock bottom of a career. I’ll give you folks a moment to mull over the choices and come back with some waters!

And I’m back! Does everyone know what they’d like? Oh good! “Baby One More Time” all around! I’ll be right out with your dishes. I just need to run to the kitchen and snatch them up from under the heat lamps they’ve been sitting beneath since this morning.

That concludes our brief restaurant scene. Why don’t we pick through the chickenshit that is Britney’s all-time classic, “Baby One More Time”.

I’m going to kick this off with the obvious: We have a female adolescent telling her “baby” to hit her one more time. HIT HER ONE MORE TIME. Now I don’t always play the fool. I’m keenly aware that Britney is not suggesting that the apple of her eye physically strike her, but how could we have any damn fun on this site if we didn’t approach our stories from way out in left field? Whether her intentions are physical or emotional, she still asks someone to hit her. That’s fucking hilarious. And if her suggestion is an emotional “hit” then why not elaborate on that point? You now have the listener guessing. “Holy shit, does she actually want to be struck? I mean, she tells us her loneliness is killing her, but if she keeps this up it’s going to be her ex-boyfriend who ends up committing the murder.” You all get it.

As if the coaxing of domestic violence isn’t enough, Ms. Spears feels as though it’s a splendid idea to inundate us with fingernails-on-chalkboard lyrics. Bear with me as I do my damnedest to make sense of it all.

Right out of the gates it’s implied that she let this boy “get away”, and the subsequent story line involves a confession of losing one’s mind and loneliness being the harbinger of death. If you ask me it sounds like this guy caught a break. He was dealing with a grade A nutcase (reference the downward spiral of both Britney’s career and her personal life, and you have yourself a bonafide example).

The next point I’d like to make is around the repetitive nature of all this rubbish. If you’ll notice, we have five separate accounts of the following two stanzas, the second example tossing us a few iterations along the way:

If you were guessing, you guessed correctly. Hit me baby one more time. She asks to get smacked five times.

Second, My loneliness Is killing me, and I I must confess I still believe (still believe),when I'm not with you I lose my mind. Give me a sign. Give me a sign. OR, you could just hit me again. Truly that must qualify as a sign of some sort, yes?

We are presented with FIVE rounds of each of the aforementioned revelations….That’s enough pearls of wisdom to make yourself a necklace to hang yourself with. Five freaking times. That’s lyrical madness.

So I’ve decided that I’m not going to bore you with the remaining details of this whale’s mating call. I don’t really need to. The rest of the song quite literally bogs you down with the words baby, oh, and yea. I betcha Shakespeare wishes he could hit her one more time.

Now that we’ve cleansed those rotten words from our palette, let’s poke some fun at that MUSIC VIDEO. The scene is set in what I can only presume is an elementary school, because she’s acting like a child. That visual is all fine and good if we consider the song revolves around a forlorn love story involving two piss-ants who have yet to hit puberty. We then hear that endearing bell signifying the end of class. Once that happens, all hell breaks loose. It’s here that I want to stop, collaborate, and have you all listen.

Can someone please tell me when there ever existed a school chock full of singing and dancing girls wearing suggestively high skirts, knee-high stockings, and dress shirts tied off at the bellybutton?! If you can tell me of such a place I’ll get right to work on a Delorian and time travel my ass back to those miserable school years. By Christ I’ll do it.

Perhaps the best part of the entire video is all the kids looking over from their lockers smiling and bobbing along to the song, as if it’s a normal occurrence; just another day at the old Scantily Clad Elementary School! Oh man, I’m going to miss history class, but there is NO WAY I’m going to miss her squawk “Hit me baby one more time!”

I hope I miss it. I hope I miss it from now until the day I die.

Britney, your loneliness might be killing you, but your vocals are killing me.

Adios muchachos.

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