Laughable Lyrics: The Fifth Installment
On this fine twenty-second day of the third month in the year 2019 we’re going to talk genies, and this did not stem from the recent release of trailers for the new Aladdin movie; which, by the way, is insulting and we’re now well beyond the point of needing to shutdown all of these damn movie remakes. Robin Williams was the voice of the genie in the original classic for Christ sake! That’s a bar that can be set no higher. Don’t get me wrong, I have no trouble getting jiggy with it, but Will Smith has the ability to grant zero of my wishes. Here we have a film that should have been left alone. But guess what?! We’re here tonight to talk about another genie in a bottle, and that wish-granter is none other than Christina Aguilera. Buckle-up folks, it’s time to rip through our fifth installment of Laughable Lyrics with another member of the Mickey Mouse Club….
Right out of the gates I’m going to slam Christina for not one, but TWO mistakes, which ultimately gives this song no credibility. The title of the track is ‘Genie In a Bottle’ leading us all to believe that Christina is in fact the genie, yet she’s trapped inside a bottle. Faux pas numero uno. Genies reside in lamps Christina, not bottles. An SOS message is something you find in a bottle. Blunder number two is just as damning as the first, and it’s unforgivable. We’re granted one wish, and no, I didn’t spell the number three incorrectly. There’s nary a mention of wishes two or three. We get ONE. Are you kidding me? What kind of genie are you? If you ever hocus-pocused your way out of the lamp I rubbed and told me you’d grant me just one wish I’d sure as hell make it count. I’d force you to remain trapped inside your lamp listening to ‘Genie In a Bottle’ on repeat until time as we know it ceased to exist.
Now let’s discuss another glaring issue with the lyrics of this tune. Aguilera wastes no time giving me goose pimples when she describes what the guy after her affections does to get her attention:
“You’re lickin’ your lips and blowing kisses my way, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna give it away.”
Yikes. I should hope you wouldn’t give away ANYTHING to someone LICKING THEIR LIPS while looking in your general direction. That is well beyond creepy. Who does that? I don’t even think licking your lips right before you devour a delicious meal is acceptable any longer. Jellyfish lick their lips, because today I am under the impression that jellyfish have lips. But wait! There’s more. This bag of rattlesnakes then feels as though lip licking alone won’t seal the deal; he needs to cherry-top his moves by blowing kisses. What. A. Douche. Stay in the lamp, Christina.
Next we’ll address my udder confusion surrounding Christina’s mixed messages. She’s fighting her heart and her body, and in the process stringing us all along for the ride. In one breath her body’s ready to rock n’ roll, yet in the other breath she’s got her mind telling her no. You’re a genie! Do whatever you want. If you make a mistake and sleep with the guy and head back to the lamp with an STD or an unwanted pregnancy can’t you just magical make all that disappear? And as if it wasn’t befuddling enough, her main message to this clown who’s still over in the corner licking his lips is that he’s got to rub her the “right” way. How are we supposed to digest that innuendo? I know how. You want me to physically rev you up. You simply cannot mean you want me to massage your mind into making you want me. That doesn’t make sense, nor would it ever work.
Also, you tell us that there’s a price to pay. The price is that we have to rub you the “right” way. When in the history of the physical relationship between a man and woman has a man ever considered heavy petting a price which they must pay? Assuming I want to be with you, I would willingly pay the price of rubbing you, right or wrong way.
In conclusion, kudos to Christina for the genie analogy. I just WISH she would have thought through the implications a wee bit better. So there’s one of my wishes; unfortunately according to her song that was my one and only wish. Two and three will have to wait for the follow-up songs if/when Christina decides to write them.
In the meantime, I’m going to go rub myself the right way.
Enjoy the weekend kids!