"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

Condoms:  Not the Trojan Horse You're Looking For.

Condoms: Not the Trojan Horse You're Looking For.

I think it’s time for Trojan and other condom brands to start having fun with their clientele.

The rubber is built for but a few purposes: birth control and the occasional stiff arm of an STD.

Why not add a little anxiety to your user’s experience? It’d be a blast!

I want to see condom manufacturers start placing their products in Swiss cheese packages. You read that right; follow along. How large of a dilemma are you creating for an anxious teen when they go to pick up condoms for that “special” first night? Hell, you’re throwing out mixed messages to everyone!

Hey, our product is 99.99% effective….trust us. Except how much trust can I put into a product toting “protection” when it’s wrapped in a package of cheese which is known for having holes in it? Which, by the way, perhaps giving the nature of Greek mythology, Trojan already has a decent sense of humor. You all recall the tale correct? The Greeks give off the illusion of abandoning the Trojan War only to sail to a nearby island and wait for their hidden brethren to sneak out of a large wooden horse given to Troy as a “gift”. Spoiler alert. The outcome of the war goes directly south for Troy in a hurry. Point being, the Trojan horse represents a breach; a sneak attack. Now I don’t know about all you fellas out there, but I sure as hell don’t want my condoms letting anything sneak out of them. That shit should be air tight. I want that rubber so tight my wiener could go snorkeling with it on. If you’re picturing that silly little scenario and not laughing then we’ll never see eye to eye my friend.

My God, you could put a show on TV just to show people’s reactions! Let’s play one out.

Shopper A: Alright, tonight’s the night! Debby said she wanted to consummate this relationship. Nothing says done deal like a frozen pizza coupled with a sturdy pack of rubbers!

(Shopper A inconspicuously shifts his way to the condom section of the grocery store. He knows not what to expect. He wants everything to be perfect. He wants to be safe. Good for him. Responsibility shines through.)


Shopper A (slight trepidation coupled with slowly forming beads of sweat along the brow): OK. I SEE the condoms, yet I see that all of the condoms I want to purchase are in bags that would normally carry slices of Swiss cheese, a cheese known for having an inordinate amount of holes in it. What’s the real message here? Will the condoms I purchase have holes in them?! What is happening right now?!

As our helpless shopper’s panic meter continues to rise the producers of the show swoop in with the proverbial nail in the coffin. From around the corner approaches a slowly rolling miniature wooden horse akin to that terrifying tricycle-riding clown from Saw. And just like Saw, no one wants to play this particular game. As if the situation our Shopper currently finds himself in isn’t strange enough, he turns to be greeted by our wooden horse; something that has no business being in a grocery store. It’s at this point our unknowing contestant feels as though life as he knows it has ceased to exist. In one breath he’s staring down condoms in a cheese wrapper, in the other breath, a horse made of timber.

Ah but wait! The horse carries a message stapled to the side of its body.


Oh what to do; what to do! Our Shopper now has a pivotal decision to make. Run like hell and leave the store he’s convinced is a portal to another dimension, or stay and brave the storm. Go on, peek inside that stallion, brave one. He peeks. What he discovers inside is a standard run-of-the-mill pack of Trojans with a note taped to the box. It reads, “Thanks for playing our game, and thank you for making the choice to practice safe sex. Now get out there and put these to good use! P.S. Enjoy the horse.”

Happy endings all around. We get to enjoy the scene unfolding as an audience, and the game’s contestant walks away with a free pack of security. Yet I wonder, what would the Axe be without entertaining an even crazier outcome? Let’s find out!

Situation #2 finds us right back at the arrival of the wooden horse. The same message rests snugly at the side of our present, only THIS time, when our Shopper opens the horse, chaos ensues.

At the exact moment that poor soul reaches for the latch, an army of random volunteers dressed as Greek warriors comes rushing out from all corners of the store screaming “Charge!” at the top of their lungs. They carry with them armfuls of condoms filled with Pillsbury Toaster Strudel frosting which they immediately begin chucking at our poor victim. Yes, he’s now become a victim.

There’s a loser in scenario #2, and it’s the contestant; unless of course he deduces that the fake semen is indeed a delicious pastry topping which he can now consume to his heart’s content.

It’s all about having a bit of a fun. Strange? Absolutely. Doltish? Certainly. But you bet your buns that was a hoot!

What do you say Trojan? Time to have a little more fun with your product.

And that’s a “wrap”.

Life Rule #4902:  The Collision Course

Life Rule #4902: The Collision Course

(Dusting Off a Classic) Life Rule #589.  Step Aside, Buttercup.

(Dusting Off a Classic) Life Rule #589. Step Aside, Buttercup.