"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

Laughable Lyrics:  The Sixth Installment.

Laughable Lyrics: The Sixth Installment.

We can all relate to having a song stuck in our head that we just can’t peg, yet we’re stuck with it all day, so we continue humming the damn thing until it all falls into place.

Well, the Crash Test Dummies took that incessant humming and transformed it into a real song. Hell, the title of the track is even “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm”. Whale of an effort there guys. They clearly weren’t thinking of the inevitable conversations to be had where two folks would be talking about that hot new tune racing up the charts. Let’s play it out:

“How about that new song by the group called the Crash Test Dummies? Have you heard it yet?”

“Oh yea! You mean ‘Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm’?

“Wait….what? Did you just eat something delicious? Why are you humming or mumbling or whatever the hell you’re doing right there?”

“No! That’s the actual name of the song. Just hum four straight times and you’ve got it!”

“Well now I’m sorry I asked and I immediately dislike that song now.”

They took a noise and turned it into the title of a song. Remarkable. What might be even more remarkable is the surprising success of the tune. At it’s peak this pile of garbage earned a Grammy nomination along with multiple chart toppings around the globe. Shortly we’ll breakdown the lyrics to this silliness, and you’ll see why a Grammy nomination is just plain shocking. Now before we dive into the meat and taters of this anthem you might be best served refreshing your memory and listening/watching this ship-sinking. HERE YOU GO.

Now that you’ve put yourself through that turmoil and would likely rather volunteer to be a live crash test dummy than listen to that shit again, let’s get into it….

The song itself seemingly revolves around three children and some rather outlandish situations they find themselves in. Let’s begin with the first case of nuttiness.

There’s not much to this first tale, and it’s definitely devoid of any sort of sense. The kid gets into a car accident, and that’s a bummer, yet the bigger bummer is the songwriter noting that when he returns to school his hair had turned from black into bright white. I don’t know what the message is there or really what the downside is, if any. Perhaps the most maddening detail is the explanation we’re given for WHY the kid turned into a young Santa Claus. Here are you lyrics taken directly from the song:

“He said it was from when the cars had smashed so hard.”

When the cars had smashed so hard. Wildly descriptive. That pretty much sums it up, and answers any/all questions I might have had. We’ve opened the song with a story that makes less sense than Rosie O’Donnell wearing a two-piece bathing suit. Kid involved in car accident walks away with his hair a different color. On to the next!

This second scenario might be the only one of the three which could conceivably happen in what we call “real life”. I suppose you might attribute it to modern day bullying, which is disheartening, but again the writer nose-dives us into a frothy sea of simpleness. Allow me to explain; or better yet, let’s let the song do the talking!

We have a girl who won’t change with all the other girls in the change room. The change room. Call it a locker room! Call it a bathroom! Just don’t use the same word as your verb and adjective. You’re being lazy. That’s akin to me saying I’m going to go have sex in the sex room. Come on. I’d do it, but it wouldn’t sound right. So we find out that her reluctance to de-robing in front of all the other girls is due to an inordinate amount of birthmarks covering her body. Again, it’s unfortunately a feasible situation a young woman could find herself in considering all the little witches running around in this day and age. If I were her I’d turn the tables and tell all those heartless bitches I was raised by leopards and that’s how I developed all my spots. I’d then go on to tell them that if they didn’t stop bothering me I’d contact the pride and have them hunt down all who bullied me. One….by….one. Crisis averted. Problem solved. Let’s keep moving, and while we do, brace yourselves for pure nonsense.

Kid three apparently has it so bad that kids one and two consider their predicaments inconsequential. In fact, they’re GLAD. Who’s cold-blooded now? It used to be that the ones who suffered together bonded together and took on the world as one entity. Not in this particular fictitious folklore. No, kid one and two turn a blind eye on our third victim. As I said; COLD BLOODED.

Alright, child three’s horror show gets religious, and yet again we must wear the ratty sweater our songwriter has woven us with his disappointing words. I’m going to lay out the entire verse for you below and then we’re going to unravel that poor excuse for a garment.

'Cause then there was this boy whose
Parents made him come directly home right after school
And when they went to their church
They shook and lurched all over the church floor
He couldn't quite explain it
They'd always just gone there

Too many questions to cover in one post; or maybe it’s just too confusing. What in the holy hell is going on here? First off, why do we need to know that the kid’s expected home right after school. Wasn’t that standard protocol growing up? Unless you had practice of some sort or a pre-planned get together with a friend your ass was expected home pronto. And who didn’t want to head home? We usually had an afternoon snack waiting to be devoured. Also, who got home from school only to head right out for a quick church service? I might not be privy to all denominations circulating the globe, but that schedule doesn’t seem to line up. Oh well. To each their own. Calendar breakdowns aside, we really need to discuss this “lurching” happening on the church floor.

Can we go ahead and make the assumption that this has to be one of those churches where the Holy Ghost enters the congregation’s bodies at inopportune times throughout the service, wherein making the host appear as though they just stepped into a bathtub full of plugged-in toasters? I mean, COME ON! I found some fun examples. I suggest you indulge and enjoy:

Salt Shaker One.

Salt Shaker Two.

Shake, rattle, and roll baby! Speaking of roll, we’re on one now! And you can call me butter, because I am all over that roll. Let’s drizzle a little honey over that tantalizing treat and get you folks outta here!

Surprise ending; the kid doesn’t know why all this lurching happens, he’s just always gone to that church. Groundbreaking.

In closing, who truly had it worse? The kid turned Guy Fieri? The girl with more moles than an open prairie? Or the lad getting all spun up by a suspicious Evangelist? I say you and I had it worse. That’s right. The listener suffers most of all. This song is truly inescapable of awfulness. Enjoy it either way while you’re inevitably humming it throughout the rest of your weekend. Don’t say I didn’t do anything for you.

Rock n’ roll folks.

Missing Pets/Missing Persons:  The Milk Chronicles

Missing Pets/Missing Persons: The Milk Chronicles

I Can't Even....Give This a Life Rule #6946

I Can't Even....Give This a Life Rule #6946