I Can't Even....Give This a Life Rule #6946
Technology is truly amazing when utilized within its intended arena, and that shit seemingly happens fewer and farther between these days. “Smart” phones, the internet, socially retarded media; they’ve all made us lazy in all of the wrong ways. Why use your phone to call your grandmother to see how she’s doing when you could just fire your friend a string of emojis that make absolutely no fucking sense? Furthermore….emoji? That’s the word we went with? Clever or nonsensical? Let’s try asinine. Or how about the capability to record your voice and have your phone convert that audio into text you can then send off! I’m not going to type out that last sentence again, even though it bears repeating, because I run the risk of losing my God damn mind. What’s the only thing missing in that equation? SOMEONE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE. Why would you talk into your phone JUST to send a text?! I mean it; I’m puzzled by that maneuver. You’re on mile 25 of a marathon with the finish line in sight; go burst through that ribbon!
Oh and don’t worry, we’re not done yet.
Ever remember the parental phrase, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all?” Well I suppose we chiseled that one right off the old stone tablet, eh? There’s hardly anything positive floating around on your Facebooks, Instagrams, or Twitters of the web, and when there is it’s rarely genuine; usually it’s some twat sitting on their toilet looking to pile up all those “likes”. HA! Speaking of another disingenuous gesture. Two taps to your screen in rapid succession and you could like THOUSANDS of people’s horseshit everyday! Look at you go! We really should have started and ended the inspirational quotes with Forest Gump’s chocolate observation; instead we’re fed a steady diet of “revelations” I should find sewn on a quilt, not the internet. Put a lid on all the live, laugh, love preaching; if you can’t figure out those are just a few of the things which aid in experiencing a fulfilling life, then you’re a fucking idiot. And you sure as shit don’t need to be reminded on how to live your life from some hermit hiding behind they’re phone 24/7.
I’m going to extend my rant on the internet because it’s simply foolish. One might argue the benefits of readily available information; at your fingertips, 365 days a year. And yes, certainly we’ve seen the impact the information superhighway can have on society. One example of this good vs evil is the unintended purpose of giving everyone a voice. Not everyone needs a voice because not everyone has at least one valuable thing to say. You cannot argue that with all the sad-faced emojis in the world. Out of 6 billion people, you’re bound to discover a few bad eggs. Low and behold, the internet hit pay dirt. There’s so much trash on screens across the globe because no one is held accountable for their actions. You can quite literally say whatever you feel finding comfort in the fact that you likely won’t experience any ramifications outside of another clown similar to you who wants to badmouth society. It’s brought a plethora of pathetic sniveling little shits out of the woodwork.
The top has been popped on this Pringles can, so we mine as well finish the tube!
We have access to the dictionary, the thesaurus, and countless references from authors spanning centuries who spent their ENTIRE lives putting ink to paper, yet we spend our time looking for ways to abbreviate everything into an alphabet soup of acronyms I’m tired of attempting to decipher. Piece together a complete freaking sentence every once in a while you lazy SOB’s. Is the fact that you conceivably have everything you’d ever need nestled cozily in your pocket not enough? We’ve become so greedy and expectant to receive everything RIGHT NOW. So it comes as no surprise that it’s spilled over into our vocabulary. I have to walk around today and here folks say things like “Hella” and “OMG” or “Throwing Shade”. Throwing shade?! Who the hell are you? Peter Pan? Speak efficiently please.
Now after all that preambling soap box shouting, that last bit should have us sliding nicely into my main Life Rule matter in question. People using the phrase “I can’t even….” Knock it off, put a lid on it, or put the kibosh on it. Actually, do all three; that might be the only way we can rid ourselves of that deflated balloon of a statement. You can’t even what, exactly? For starters, you can’t seem to finish a sentence. I don’t actually know when this cold bowl of oatmeal is considered appropriate for use, but based on recent spottings I’ll surmise that it’s intention is for the guilty party to convey that they’re experiencing so much emotion they just can’t handle expression themselves accurately. WOW. Usually this vernacular stain is accompanied by a photograph of a cute animal or child. That’s all fine and good unless you consider a rough estimate of about a thousand pictures of either of these things could be found in under thirty seconds by YOU. Yes, the person who’s likely already spent the last forty-five minutes scouring an app for things that matter less than a conversation happening on The View, which I really hope that show isn’t still on the air. If you see a puppy you “Oh” and “Ah” your way to the nearest Kleenex box. Hell, I’ve done it. So please don’t tell me you can’t even express happiness. Wait, maybe you can’t; at least not properly.
Are we onto something three quarters of the way through this posting? Maybe “I can’t even” IS the appropriate response for souls who have sacrificed all human emotion through the inundation of social media. They’re so caught up in screen scrolling that they’ve forgotten the true essence of life! If that’s the case, I still don’t feel bad for any one of them.
Well what have we learned today kiddies? For starters, let’s stop saying I can’t and start saying I can! I can laugh at a Spaghettio-covered infant giggling in her high chair. I can cry when I see a video of a soldier returning home to his pooch who can’t seem to control itself. What you should tell yourself you CANNOT do is say “I can’t even” any longer. Dispose of such obscenities!
Now my fingers hurt are sore. I can’t even….continue typing.