SPOILER ALERT! There Are No Spoilers.
Oh we’re going to have some fun tonight you squirrely little nut jobs! Amidst the commotion surrounding the release of Marvel’s final chapter: Endgame, and HBO’s weekly curtain call for the wildly popular series Game of Thrones, I felt I’d be inappropriately remiss if I didn’t chime in on what might be more entertaining than these two cinematic firework finales; all of the fracas generated from potential “spoilers” being fired from social media cannons far and wide. HOOOOLY SHIT ON A SHINGLE. What a tangled web of a ruckus we have on our hands! And I thought I needed to settle down and take a breath every now and then. Perhaps the most fascinating observation one could make surrounding these uproars is the glaringly obvious fact that neither of these tales revolves around reality. Not even close. In fact, we’re more likely to spot Amelia Earhart flying around in a hot air balloon with Michael Jackson and Tupac Shakur.
Having said all that, I can definitely wrap my head around the approach of both parties involved: those who wish to wipe the world clean of happiness, and those who prefer to wash themselves in the element of surprise, even if that surprise is less likely to happen than Jolly Old Saint Nick plummeting down your chimney on Christmas Eve.
Speaking of that bowl full of jelly….
There’s your first TRUE spoiler for a substantial number of children who’ve grown up over the last few centuries; Santa Claus. The man is arguably one of the most prominent folklore legends of all time. Folklore = myth = fake. Sensing a theme? Of course as we flew through our adolescent years we truly believed the chubby elf existed, and doesn’t a small part of us yearn for it to still be true? Alas, who enters stage right but none other than reality; here to crush our hopes and dreams. Now my memory is more unstable than Old Yeller’s hind legs right before he was taken behind the woodshed, so I don’t recall the gloomy day when the curtain was pulled back to reveal that my parents were the true gift-givers. I think by the time we all found out we’d started to get a wee bit suspicious anyway. Developing cognitive skills will do that to a person. But is that not a perfect example of a spoiler? There isn’t a man out there today who’s both drawing breath and owning the legal name Santa Claus. If there is well then I suppose you better send me directions to the North Pole because I’ll shoot right up there and start making presents from now until Christmas Eve. So something make-believe is exposed as a fallacy and the only batch of humans allowed to throw their arms up in despair are children. Fully developed humans do not get that right. I suspect we can issue a pass to the thirty-somethings out there who still live in their parent’s house, but who am I to say? To drive the point home further, I don’t see or hear about anyone getting into physical altercations with Kris Kringle whistle-blowers. Why? Because we all know it’s a tale built on a foundation of fiction! Why is it then that I have to read about a bunch of animals tearing a man to shreds just because he ran out of a movie screaming the ending of said movie to a bunch of bystanders waiting in line to watch the flick? That movie is just as much of a sham as Saint Nick!
Who are the Avengers? What is the Night King? I’d argue that they’re brilliantly crafted characters set in even more sensational story lines. Stories that are NOT REAL. A fact I simply don’t have to argue, because it’s simply a fact. Now based on that fact, how can you even begin to justify getting yourself worked up to a temperature hotter than the surface of the sun? By the way, the sun is a star in our solar system which also happens to exist, in case you were worried that that might be a spoiler.
Let’s try another fabled chronicle on for size. This one should ruffle some feathers considering it’s been the cause of more spilled blood over the course of history than any known war combined. Oh yes, I speak of none other than the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost. Set aside your differences for this portion, we aim for the silly, not the serious. I respect your right to believe or disbelieve. What I will never understand is one’s willingness to shut out the opportunity to find humor in any given subject. What’s the popular saying you can find on 95% of women’s Instagram posts today? Live. Laugh. Love. Yup, that’s the one. Well, if you’re reading this that would mean you’re alive, and if you’re truly alive you might have laughed a time or two up to this point, and if you’ve found some humor in tonight’s post then you’re going to love what happens next….
Whether you believe or not, I’d be willing to bet you agree that the story of Jesus is flat out incredible. I want you dissemble everything you know, have heard, or experienced up to this point. Pretend that the story of Jesus is just another New York Times Bestseller about to hit every shelf around the globe. Oh wait! How convenient! We’re already able to check that box. The Bible; coming to a Barnes & Noble near you! Now that you’re tagging along on my insanely offensive journey, let’s flash forward a year or two. The book’s been out and sales have smashed every reading record known to man. Harry Potter who? Try J.C. homeboy. What Would Jesus Do? Oh, I don’t know, take Voldemort’s wand, snap it over his knee, and shove both pieces up his ass. Anyway, it was only a matter of time before the book saw a cinematic adaptation. Now that we know that, the ingredients necessary in a recipe for disaster have been assembled. Sadly, it’s a tale as old as time. In one corner you have your readers, in the other stand the non-readers. Guess who’s chomping at the bit to reveal such a glorious ending?
“Hey guys! Guess what?! He dies in the end and resurrects himself three days later!”
In case anyone at home is squirming in their seats, let’s turn some water into wine and make this a party. How’s THIS for the ultimate spoiler? Say the stories of Jesus are true. Let’s assume all the walking on water and multiplying of fish actually came to pass. No one could spoil a story more than one of Jesus’ disciples. In the New Testament books, known as the Gospels, according to Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, Jesus told his closest followers that he would be crucified, however upon the third day he would rise again! Could you imagine one of Jesus’ twelve disciples running around those first two days telling people not to fret?
“Listen everyone! LISTEN! It’s fiiiine. He’ll be back in a few days. TRUST ME.”
Who wouldn’t stone that son of a bitch to death? Well, ask yourselves, “What would Jesus do?” That’s right. Let him with no fault cast the first stone. Put that rock down brother.
Alright, we’ve covered Santa and Jesus so far. I’d say we’re off to a grand start!
Look, I think I’ve made it crystal clear up to this point that getting worked up over a “spoiled” ending to anything fictitious is just plain claptrap. Having said that, if you go around ruining surprise birthday parties or the revealing of a baby’s sex, you should go jump out of a plane. Those things really do happen, and you jumping from thirty thousand feet should also happen. But I have yet to see Iron Man whizzing around the sky blasting invading aliens. The closest thing I’ve seen to The Hulk would be the WWE’s Undertaker. Dragons aren’t breathing fire up my rear end. And as much as I’d love to see it, Daenerys Targaryen hasn’t once walked by me completely nude. NONE OF IT IS REAL. Let it go!
In your defense, my bleeding heart must side slightly with those of you who have been wrongfully targeted. To all you spoilers out there, why must you ruin someone else’s joy? How much hate is contained within your heart that you have to let some of it out to ruin the ending of a movie? Just because everyone else in your life hates you doesn’t give you the right to transfer those emotions over to other strangers. I mean, I suppose you could, in theory. If the Affliction shirt fits, wear it. I’d rather you just gave all those Comic Con lovers their little slice of joy. OK, I’ve stated my peace. If you want to dart around ruining shit for people it’d be appreciated if you focused all that useless energy on bettering yourself or exterminating yourself.
Back to all you whiners. Unfortunately you know the aforementioned gargoyles exist. Someone somewhere is going to “spoil” an ending. What do you suppose their main platform for getting that message across is? Could it be social media? The internet? Stay the fuck off that shit then! You can’t go a few measly days without cramming in hours of meaningless updates? You’re just as guilty, and maybe, just maybe, you deserve what’s coming to you. And while we’re at it, I’m upset that you get upset over things that don’t exist! I’m dropping Thor’s hammer now. Grow the fuck up. Jon Snow isn’t a real person, and you KNOW that. Thanos snapping his fingers didn’t wipe out half of humankind because WE’RE STILL HERE. If you’re that wrapped up in the fantastical, you need to be examined.
Tonight’s spoiler is that there are no spoilers. Your movie is fake. Your REAL life as you know it will continue on until you die, and death isn’t a spoiler either. Just lighten up. And while I harp on you hooligans I’ll slam one more down on all of you expired bananas out there willing to strip someone of the joys of ANY kind. Start a group chat on Twitter or some other shitty app with the hashtag #welivetostealyoursoul and congregate on the most uninhabitable piece of earth you can find. Stay there….die there….alone….which is how I’m sure you feel anyway.
In the meantime, don’t respond with any spoilers; I haven’t caught up on what happens to Antman!