Mary Poppins can have one. That creepy Sam the Snowman from the claymation Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer can have one while he’s singing to me about silver and gold. By the way, indulge me and hit that link. Notice how Sam trades his trusty umbrella in for a banjo as he cues up the music. Trouble with Sam’s banjo is I can’t hear a damn lick of it from start to finish. How can you trust an animated snowman who stumbles through his movie debut as a sham bluegrass picker? At least Frosty had some magic in that old silk hat he wore. Ah, enough of that. It’s too early to be getting this far off track.
We’re chatting on the topic of umbrellas tonight, specifically of the automobile variety. I flat out had no idea these contraptions even existed; and really, who WOULD have believed they were a real thing unless you too had witnessed it with your very own eyes? Christ, it’s an umbrella….FOR A CAR. And you guessed correctly for I saw one today in its natural habitat. Care to take that second guess? It was on an import and one that was so goddamn clean I could have sworn it was wrapped in cellophane. Jiminey Cricket couldn’t have whistled his way to a cleaner car; speaking of umbrellas. That’s the kind of clean that has dead hookers in the trunk. Allow me to explain: If a guy — and it has to be a guy — keeps his shit THAT tidy you know he’s the type of psychopath who measures out the distance between his silverware and plates when laid out on the table. I’m thinking American Psycho. Sure, he’ll invite you over for a bit of wine and dine action but if you don’t put that glass down exactly four inches from your bread knife you’re going to end up in the trunk with that handy car umbrella duffel bag. Whew! Dead bodies in the trunk. We just experienced our second derailment. Let’s nestle back onto the tracks shall we?
Now we’ve all come across the windshield sun screen a time or two, and it’s fun — if not excruciatingly deplorable — cruising by a car whose bumper is covered with stickers representing a sad depiction of the owner’s supposed identity, only to stroll around to the front and see their windshield surface area taken up by Sponge Bob Squarepants or four of the main characters from Star Wars. You might even get a few wolves howling at the moon if you’re lucky. However goofy the screen it more or less serves its purpose in a simple and financially responsible manner. And I get it! You pull up to work in the morning knowing full well the forecast warns of a temperature only the Devil himself can appreciate; so why after suffering through an entire day in one version of hell, which we know as work, would you want to escape only to jump right back into another convection oven? I have yet to learn this particular lesson yet I’m also not quite ready to become the proud owner of a windshield sun screen. Sure, the temperature of every single conceivable surface inside my car may threaten to melt away sections of my skin, but they can never melt away my pride. That’s a job for the windshield sun screen. It might work, however it’s silly.
Weren’t sure if there was another player sitting at the table willing to raise the pot and go all in on exterior automobile accessories? You thought wrong my friend. Welcome the car umbrella to the game. While we’re riding this poker theme, let’s compare a car umbrella to the guy sitting there with sunglasses on complementing his leather varsity jacket. And yes, he’s definitely spinning a poker chip between his fingers like he’s about to show us the lamest magic trick this side of the casino. Car umbrellas! If someone played that crap in a game of Scrabble I’d toss the pieces aside and smack them across the face with the board. Unacceptable. Did you just watch that video?! Who in their right mind would A) buy that piece of shit and B) have the time to set it up? “Hey guys, I know the bar’s happy hour lasts another two hours; just bear with me for a bit while I set my car umbrella up.” You’re losing friends faster than someone who tells you they are fans of The View. I’m sorry folks, I can’t get over this thing. Say it with me one more time! CAR UMBRELLA!!!!
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
If you made the mistake of thinking the car umbrella’s (there it is again) sole feature was to reduce the interior temperature of your “ride” — I loathe people that call their cars anything but a fucking car — you are sorely misguided. But before I rifle into the extremely short list of the car umbrella’s other available attributes allow me a moment to hit my stride on a tangent involving the preceding itch that needs scratching. Please stop referring to your cars as “whips”, “whoopties”, “rides”, “sleds”, or any other asinine word that has ZILCH to do with automobiles. You’re not clever in the slightest. You’re annoying as hell. Having said that, if you’ve managed to bestow upon your friend with four wheels a clever nickname or pet name we’ll let that slide just do NOT put that shit on your license plate….unless you own a car umbrella.
Alright! Back to the car umbrella’s (can’t stop - won’t stop) vast catalog of capabilities! And when I say ALLI, you say TERATION! Alliteration people. Let’s press on.
We’re talking car umbrellas if you’ve just joined us and if you’ve been along for this entire ride there’s a very good chance you’re telling people about the car umbrella for the rest of the week. Car umbrellas.
So the handful of manufacturers who sell these poorly designed parachutes tout protection beyond that of just the sun’s rays and that’s a ballsy move. Hail? No problem, we’ve got you “covered”. You’ll just want to disregard the damage your exposed hood incurs once nature’s golf balls start hurling towards earth in waves. Snow build up? Forget scraping off that “whip” as long as you can forget that we’ll most assuredly cave in on you after the first inch has fallen. Want to look like the Stay Puft Marshmallow-sized douche bag you clearly are? THAT we can handle! Hell, we’ll even toss in a money back guarantee if people aren’t calling you a chode halfway through your first setup!
And the fucking thing comes with a remote! Remote-controlled car umbrellas! Forget flying cars kids for the future is already upon us!
I would happily pay more money to watch someone put one of these things up than I would to go see a movie. I dare you to find a better comedy out there today because I know it’s not going to happen. And yes, I’m aware of our country’s obsession with automobiles, but when we arrive at a time where car umbrellas exist I have to question just how far we’re willing to take that infatuation. Scary to wonder; even scarier when you consider how many times the words car umbrella showed up in tonight’s post.
Night kids……..car umbrellas.