"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

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Wait, Your Compact Disc Changer is in the Trunk?!

Wait, Your Compact Disc Changer is in the Trunk?!

Well today’s subject is a fun exercise in reminiscing and the more I got to pondering the archaic technology the further the trickle-down effect went. Interestingly enough, I was reminded of the six disc changer because my wife had recently purchased a cassette tape adapter for our secondary automobile. Yes, we own a car with a tape deck and NOW we own a tape adapter for said tape deck. We’ve got more wires dangling in that car than a dismantled bomb sitting in front of MacGuyver.

With all these gadgets filling up my car I feel like I’m back in high school; now I’m just waiting for the title track to Dave Matthews Band’s Under the Table and Dreaming to start playing —yes, I’m one of those douche bags.

As I pushed the tape into the deck for the first time in the last twenty years I was instantly reminded of all the other vessels with which we utilized to play our once-proud youthful anthems. Ah, I remember my first car. We were fortunate enough to inherit our grandmother’s tan Buick LeSabre —complete with a luggage rack on the top of the trunk. And what do you think the first thing we did as kids was when we found ourselves with a relatively viable mode of transportation? Upgrade that sounds system friends! I’m sure Buick has made leaps and bounds in their present automobile audio quality, however 1994 was an entirely different story. Buick was synonymous with assisted living communities. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if the two had some sort of working partnership back in Buick’s geriatric heyday. In any event, nothing looks sillier in an old Buick than a set of bright red speakers complete with an obnoxious digitally displayed receiver. What was with all the shifting numbers and odd designs in constant motion —shit was aneurysm-inducing.

Hardly an efficient device for playing compact discs while we’re on the subject. You were either required to pop the face off manually or wait for that sad robot to open it’s mouth so you could give it a “cookie”. And you better believe no kid’s car was complete without no less than a twenty-four disc holder from none other than Case Logic. Shit, I think at my absolute prime I had three cases capable of holding no less than 100 CD’s, which brings me to our next puzzling device….

The six-disc changer set all the way back in your trunk. What in the wide world of oil changes was that all about? Who allowed that invention to make its way into production? There’s really only one car that machine should have been allowed in and it’s the Pontiac Aztek —that way both the car and that nonsensical music player could have died a justifiably horrible death together.

Talk about commitment! Sure, trips bouncing around town may not have made much of a difference, but recall the decisions needed to be made when going on a road trip?! My God, it was like a terrifying riddle that if incorrectly solved, lives might be lost. You had six options —best if you chose wisely. I can’t understand how a CD changer located in the trunk of your car was a more convenient way to distribute tunes versus a single disc slot right on your dashboard. Jumper cables belong in the trunk. Windshield washer fluid can hang out back there. Rope, duct tape, and garbage bags are way past creepy, but if it’s your thing then that’s where you want those items residing.

Music doesn’t belong in your trunk —dead hookers do! Come on people. What a horribly inexcusable move.

And how often was that lonely little box forgotten about? It was located in the trunk for Christ sake. I slipped on that banana peel more than once. There you are, whizzing around on four wheels of freedom with your pals when your shotgun passenger decides it’s time to mix up the playlist. Time to flip on over to disc four! Let’s see what’s in store! Holy shit….you don’t remember what you’d loaded into that changer the last time you opened your trunk. Panic sweeps over you and rightfully so —after waiting patiently for that shifty CD changer to work its magic back in the shadows you’re all treated to Britney Spears’ “Baby, One More Time”. Dammit. Your girlfriend’s homemade summer mix has just blown its decibel load all over your faces. Good luck living that one down —I never did.

Some might argue that a CD contraption hidden inside your trunk helps deter potential burglars yet I would argue that the only thing getting burgled is my convenience. I get the logic, but if you’re willing to go to the lengths required to steal my receiver —smash my windows, risk damaging the goods by ripping them out of the dash— then you must not realize I bought that bitch at Best Buy for $99.99 and insurance will pick up that ticket no questions asked. But go ahead! Knock your socks off! I’ll have a new one in its place by the end of the week. I believe it was Matthew Wilder who once told us, “Ain’t nothing gonna break-a my stride, nobody gonna slow me down, oh no, I got to keep on movin’.” Well, they say you must fill your tank with gas if your car’s going to run. Nay, I say! It’s the music, and you can’t take that away.

Now with all the sense a trunk CD changer lacked I’d be remiss if I didn’t take a moment to appreciate the effort required to crank up that volume on your favorite artists. First you needed the money for the CD’s and that came in the form of an allowance (if you were lucky) or a job at your local store bagging groceries. Did I want to wheel some lazy bastard’s poor choices in cuisine out to their Oldsmobile Alero? I most certainly did not. What I DID want was the money to turn my car into a Panama City foam party. Once you had the money you could begin the arduous process of burning blank CD’s. Wow. Better stock up on those permanent markers because you’ve got an empty disc case with your name on it —perhaps quite literally. Although don’t forget those of us who were a bit more sophisticated and Velcro’ed that sleek disc case up on our sun visor for an even more advantageous accessibility. Who wants to waste their time pulling rabbits out of hats when I can make CD’s materialize out of thin air from the ceiling of my car? Abracadabra boys and girls.

Be thankful that in today’s world all that’s typically demanded of us is a healthy Blue Tooth pairing. Once that B hits the screen you’re in business.

This one was for you trunk CD changer and all those days you spent isolated in the cold (or piping hot) dead space in the back of our cars. You provided a service —albeit a befuddling one— and reaped none of the praise. We truly wish you the best, just please don’t come back.

Night kids. Don’t let the bed bugs bite.

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