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Life Rule #29292:  Put a Cork In It.

Life Rule #29292: Put a Cork In It.

Boy oh boy we sure do have an affection for sticking shit into glass containers don’t we? Thank God, too; for where would all of those discarded wine corks end up? How about the tiny ships? And don’t forget about those goddamn marbles!

I’m not sure I could tell you I understand any of it to be completely frank with all of you. I didn’t even want to “scour” the internet for answers —scour of course meaning type some bullshit into Google and start dumpster diving!

The wine cork infatuation is perplexing, isn’t it? I’m not so sure it looks “edgy”, “cool”, or “Pinteresty”, so much as it looks like an alcoholic’s very public diary. Oh yes, I’ve heard that some folks now jot down the date of completion on their corks with the associated bottle of wine that was demolished. Now I don’t know about you but there isn’t a vase big enough for me to fill with all the corks I’ve got related to nights alone with a bottle of red and another viewing of The Bodyguard. HA! I dare you to beat the Whitney Houston/Kevin Costner duo. Will….not….happen.

There’s got to be a better use of the cork. We could have that many more quality dart boards hanging on walls across the country, yet instead we’re subject to those absolute shit-plastic substitutes. I suppose I have all these cork-savers to blame. You claim your decorative taste couldn’t be more modern and yet you fail to recognize the neglect you’ve placed upon those poor dart boards. Let’s go guys; shape up and fills those jars with marbles!

Marbles serve no purpose in this world. They used to be the bell of the ball when ‘never’ was a word that didn’t exist, however today the word ‘never’ absolutely exists so marbles have found a new home in Irrelevant Town. But hey! Just in case you’re a closet marble aficionado looking for someone to play with, here’s a “how-to” video in which I could only muster two minutes. Anything involving yarn and marbles is a tough sell. If you own both yarn and marbles then you also own a cat, and if you own a cat my only advice to you would be to let the cat play with said marbles while you stitch together a pair of coffins made from your yarn because you two will die together. Scratch that (pun intended), you will die alone because the cat will have left you long before you’re six feet down in that fabric sarcophagus of yours. Sad story. Let’s pick it back up!

Tiny ships. Another peculiarity I wasted no time delving into. I will admit admiration for someone who can take a couple pair of tweezers and construct a tiny pirate ship inside a bottle, but that doesn’t mean I have to socially accept this activity. At least MacGuyver’s diffusing bombs with paperclips and gum wrappers! Meanwhile you’re off in the corner reassembling the Mayflower inside an empty bottle of booze that you just finished off BY YOURSELF. I really don’t mean to harp on this strange endeavor too much because I can/do respect anyone who takes up a hobby and dials it in to a masterful level but come on! Tiny ships?!

And I spoke too soon. Chalk one up for the tiny ship builders of the world! I had to see —I had to know, dammit! How is it done?! And now? NOW?! Now I must seek the answers which have eluded zero humans since the dawn of time. My findings are as such:

Absolutely bonkers and an excellent example of why I hardly trust content on the world wide web. I just read about a magician with no arms, no legs, and over fourteen children who supposedly “crafted” the first known ship in a bottle —or SIB, as I later came to find out might be the proper nomenclature. The only “fact” I’m buying at this juncture is that we have another goddamn magician on our hands! Remember that Egyptian wizard we talked about way back when kaleidoscopes were a thing?! These conjurers of the dark arts keep popping up out there —best keep an eye out for further magical shenanigans. Go on, go blow the dust off of that article.

Done? Welcome back!

I want to address the ship in a bottle (sorry, SIB) video I sent you not so long ago. Notice the two prop bottles our seaworthy tinkerer displays for our viewing pleasure? BOOZE. At least there’s no denying the shape and design of that first bottle. Hello Jack, old friend. HA! And now who from this class can tell me what I warned earlier about SIB builders? They’re drinkers, and good for them! Perhaps they drink not to forget that their hobby is wacky and wild, but to self-impose a challenge. Sober SIB-building is old hat. Time to try pulling off that feat while seeing double of everything. God I want to hang out with some of the beauties now. Show me the ship!

Alright time to settle down. I just wrote about cork, marbles, and tiny ships all in one post. I’m whipped. So whip in fact that I almost forgot to instill Life’s Rule upon you all! I sincerely appreciate your patience. Without further adieu —Life Rule #29292:

Stop jamming glass containers full of useless shit. You can get away with some water and a few exotic fish, just know that everyone hates you for being an environmentally unfriendly goblin. Cork belongs on a wall; marbles belong at the DMV; and tiny ships can sail themselves off into the sunset of nonexistence.

Night night you little hooligans. Sleep tight.

No Service, No Problem.

No Service, No Problem.

Don't Bite the Hand That Feeds You

Don't Bite the Hand That Feeds You