"Excuses are the nails that build the house failure."

Paul Bunyan's Beard

I Can't Hear You!

I Can't Hear You!

Is there anything more disingenuous than someone on a stage holding a microphone, asking the crowd how they’re doing, and when the response is deemed unsatisfactory, they ask again —only THIS time around you best be putting some more enthusiasm into your effort. Whew! Long sentence there; probably a run-on. Oh well. I believe I kicked-off what will be my proven point.

God, this shit happens ALL THE TIME! Concerts, comedy shows, seminars, work conferences, you name it. For some reason the ass-hat holding your attention —and the microphone— has decided he/she/it can squeeze more juice from the audience through means of repetition. Silly rabbit; Trix are for kids.

Do you care to know what I do in these situations? Of course you do. I activate the silent treatment. Screw those guys. I’m onto your cheap parlor tricks, friend. You want me to feel ashamed for not giving you a loud enough response the first time around? Well did it ever occur to you that your jokes suck, or that your songs are terrible, or the fact that you’re just introducing the act we REALLY want to see and no one knows or cares who you are? Don’t feed me your pathetic, “Oh come on people! You can do better than that! I saaaaid, how’s everyone doing tonight?!” And do you know what their response is EVERY. SINGLE. TIME?

“That’s more like it!”

Even if the crowd CLEARLY sounds less rambunctious, our purveyor of lies is now satisfied. Pathetic. Excuse me. Yes. You sir, up there on the stage. No one likes you. Exit stage right immediately.

How about we tackle another microphone debacle equally uncomfortable? The musician turned self-proclaimed comedian. That shit has got to stop. We didn’t pay for our overpriced tickets to squirm through your lame ass jokes. Sing and dance up there, Jester —for that’s what you are. Furthermore, I couldn’t care less about your political affiliations, your stance on the environment, or why you drink tea instead of coffee. Again, you’re up there to entertain me with the talent which has been bestowed upon you. Play to your strengths. If I want to know someone’s feelings I’ll find a church basement full of metal chairs situated in a circle.

Giving ANYONE a microphone is a dangerous proposition. There’s a sense of empowerment and a voice that is instantly amplified above those around them. Jiminey Cricket.

Perhaps we can instill better behavior from those who have the opportunity to stand in front of a mic. Install a shock button on the switchboard. Much like a shock collar for a dog; if you cross that line you best believe you’re going to get zapped. That should make the “I can’t hear you!” jabroni think twice before he commits to forcing us to play a game of Simon Says.

Well that’s it for me today. I hope you enjoyed the post.

I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you. I saaaaid I hope you enjoyed the post!

That’s more like it.

The Gas Station Squeegee:  You're Doing It Wrong

The Gas Station Squeegee: You're Doing It Wrong